Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Old Memories

So I was just trawling through some old emails in search of a payslip, and I came across some of my old FutureMe letters. You know the ones where you write them and set a date sometime in the future and the website sends it to you?
I write myself one every New Year.
Anyone, I was rereading one from the beginning of 2011, and one of things I wrote to myself was "do things that would make Dad proud". I don't think I've done that at all.
Between sleeping around, not putting effort in at uni, falling out with so many friends, I don't think my dad would be proud at all. Which is quite sad really. Maybe I should try and do that. I wrote about trying to be honourable, and I think thats a good idea.
I also wrote about true friends being the ones who stick it out. One of the ones I listed, I'm no longer friends with. I guess that tells you something huh?
I feel like I'm in an ever dwindling circle of friends. There are very few people I feel close to anymore, and I'm not so trusting. Not necessarily a bad thing. I think I'm just going to try and lock emotions away into a little box in my head and heart.
It would be for the best. Means I don't get hurt, and no-one else does either. Means no emotional eating. Means more focus on my work.

I'm going to start saving as soon as I can. Save and save, so after uni I can run away.

I can run away and disappear.

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

More Messed-Up-Ness

My relationship with food at the moment is extra weird.
Like I never feel hungry. Ever.
I tend to eat around the time I think I should be hungry, but it's more out of habit than anything.
If I happen to miss the time I would normally eat, a few hours later I'll just come over feeling horrendously ill all of a sudden. At which point I'll eat a little something.
It's strange really.
And I used to drink loads and loads of Ribena (FULL of sugar), but since I came back from Asia, I struggle to drink it as much, it makes my teeth feel disgusting. So I'm drinking way more water.
May as well make the most of it though I guess.
My big fat-ass self could do with missing a few meals here and there.

I was looking at photos to print out yesterday for a photo-frame my mum got me, and I found some from back just before christmas. I was SO much skinnier. And I thought I looked huge then. I was at least half a stone lighter than I am right now. I go back to uni in three weeks. Thats when I'll start being able to restrict properly again. In the meantime, I'll just have to do what I can.

Unsure on current weight, last time I weighed was a few days ago when I was at 133. F A T T Y.

On a side note, this guy that I slept with the other day by some ill-judgement, took me out on a date night before last. I know that I really shouldn't like him. But I think that just makes me like him more. My friends would freak if they knew what I'm doing. Not sure how long I can play the balancing act.
He did make me laugh though, said he was worried about me getting too attached seeing as he's not looking for a relationship. I was just like PLEASE, I am the Queen of non-emotional sex. I move up and down the country every couple of weeks, you get pretty used to breaking of attachments before they really begin.
He snap-chatted me a picture of himself the yesterday, and it just really reminded me how good shape he's in. Like not an ounce of fat. Then you've got Mrs Blobby over here. He kept asking me why I was sort of pulling the cover over me when we slept together. Surely it was obvious that I was hiding all my flab???

Anyways I'm really fucking late, adios!

Friday, 30 August 2013


I am so listless. Its so hard to get excited by anything.
Its my birthday tomorrow, and normally I'm super excited for ages beforehand, and this year... I just can't wait for it to be over.
I'm just numb.
I feel nothing, yet I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I don't understand.
All the things that usually cheer me up aren't working. I just want to feel normal again.
Everything I do seems really forced.
I have to force myself to smile, to enjoy myself. It used to come so naturally.

I think I lost a part of me this summer.

Tuesday, 27 August 2013


So I'm a terrible blogger.
I'll add it to my list of other bad things I've done recently.

I want to be back in Asia where no-one knows me and I can just melt away and disappear.
After uni I might try and get a job out there.

Sorry for my absence.
I've put on every single bit of weight I lost, weighed in this morning at 9st6lbs, or 132lbs. Thats pretty much where I was when I first wanted to lose weight.
Half my clothes don't fit me anymore.
The guy I like isn't interested.
His best friend is.
My ex is awful when I see him on nights out.
I slept with someone I shouldn't have.
Now one of my closest friends isn't talking to me.
I have so much to sort out that I'm burying my head in the sand.

I need to get away from everything.
I need to not be me for a while.
I would almost consider hurting myself.
But I can't cope with the pain.
Maybe if I get so so skinny people will stop making me do things.

Ironic really that this never started as a need for help.
It started because I'm fat.
And yet now, I'm still fat, and I need help.
Funny really.

Oh and it's my birthday this Saturday. 20 years old and a major fuck-up already.

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

The Last Day Before the First Day

I leave in less than 24 hours. I'll be on a plane then.
I'm so nervous it's making me feel seriously sick.
I just checked-in online and printed my boarding pass out.
Nearly cried saying goodbye to my best friend.
Freaking out is not the word.

I feel so unprepared.

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Sudden Realisation

So I leave England in 38 hours. I'll be at the airport in 36. Holy shit.
I'm regretting the decision to go. I mean I'm excited and all, but I'm so fucking scared. This is like the fear of going to uni times a million. What made me think I could trot off to fucking ASIA by myself? I'm fucking retarded. Hyperventilating a little.

Jesus christ. What am I going to do out there? How the hell am I going to survive?
I mean, there is absolutely no question of me not going. That is simply not an option. I've paid a LOT, I've had the jabs, almost everything is ready to go.
I'm so so scared.

I'm going to miss home so freaking much. I can't even say a proper goodbye to my friends because they're in Barcalona.

Shit shit shit.

(Side note, I finally weighed this morning: fully clothed was 132lbs. not as bad as I feared. Plus I've been feeling pretty skinny which is bizarre. Go figure huh?)

Friday, 28 June 2013

One of Those Days

6 days and counting til Cambodia.

I'm mid-pack, mid-panic.

Part of me is completely terrified and convinced I've made a mistake. The other part of me cannot wait to be on another continent.

That Guy is moving to his uni town for the rest of summer, to be with his stupid girlfriend I imagine, though he says its for work. It sucks anyway. Bothers me way more than it should, which makes me nervous. I thought I was beginning to get over him. Fuckity fuck.

Oh and I'm quitting my job after this weekends work. Shit pay, shit hours, shit job.

Feel like I need a giant pause button for the world.

I almost wish I was leaving for longer, then I might actually tell That Guy that I like him, because I could run away without having to face the aftermath.

What the hell is wrong with me. He has a girlfriend, he is happy. I need to stop being such a pathetic whiney-arse and get my shit together.


Friday, 21 June 2013

Confused Little Noggin.

It is now less than two weeks til I go to Cambodia.
I'm hoping to sweat out a lot of weight over there since it's so humid all the time. Good pre-Ibiza diet I think.

Eating has been going terribly. I'm a lump. I had a salad when my friends went to Nando's last night, but then I ate some Spicy Space Raiders when I got in :/

No idea on weight, haven't got access to scales.

I think I might be beginning to get over That Guy. I met a really cute Scottish lad out on Tuesday, and I saw him last night. We got on so well, but he's going back to Scotland today (he was only here for 2 weeks on work). I'm pretty gutted tbh. I'll probably never see him again. Probably a good thing though, I shouldn't just flick my emotions like this.
I clearly do still like That Guy though. He changed his profile picture to one of him and his girlfriend, and it hurt. But not that much. Think I've pretty much written him off as a lost cause.
Plus I have a sneaky feeling that one of the guys we're both friends with thinks I'm better off without him. Nothing concrete, but he said some weird stuff while we were drunk. Though half the time he's telling me to go for it. Hmm.

On that note, I'll leave you.
Love and light thoughts

Sunday, 16 June 2013

She Works For The Weekend

First night back home in a nutshell?
  • I sat on the floor of a toilet cubicle with my friend complaining about how we can't make ourselves sick.
  • I told a guy I barely know from school that he needs a haircut.
  • I later ended up retching in different toilets alone, then downing a bottle of water.
  • I (most likely) made an embarrassment of myself shamelessly flirting with the guy I like, despite knowing full well he has a girlfriend.
  • I think that guys brother (who I hooked up with a while ago) flirted with me. Hard to judge, I was very drunk.
  • I managed to somehow piss my ex off so badly he ended up yelling at me across town and made me cry.
  • When I got home I ate a bowl full of leftover stuffing.
So all in all it was a pretty typical night out in my hometown. What is wrong with me?

I have absolutely no idea what has happened to my alcohol tolerence. I seriously cannot hold my alcohol anymore, even on a stomach full of carbs like yesterday. But then I was mixing drinks (Vodka, wine, southern comfort, sambuca, jagermeister). Never a good idea for a lightweight like me.

I don't understand why I'm such a pathetic drinker, it's not like I'm this little tiny thing or anything!

Ugh, anyways, off to be a good little daughter and make merry for fathers day.

Love and light thoughts!

Friday, 14 June 2013

Homeward Bound

Today is my last day at uni this year. My papa is coming to get me tomorrow lunchtime. This time tomorrow I should (hopefully) be very very close to home.
I'm going out with my friends almost as soon as I get back. Very excited.
Its strange being in my room when all my stuff is packed up. It feels rather bare. Although a lot of stuff is staying here over summer, since we're coming back to the same house next year. 

Tonight I'm going out with my housemates for a buffet thingy. Should be nice, thought terribly fatty. I figure it's allowed with it being a goodbye meal and all. May even have a glass of wine to help it go down.

Afro came over last night. It's so strange when I'm with him.
When we're lying in bed, its so peaceful and calm. We don't usually talk too much, but last night he told me I smell nice (Thank you Victoria's Secret) and we talked until I laughed so hard I nearly cried.
Then this morning he left with nothing more than a "have a good summer" and a quick kiss. I won't see him again til October, and thats all I get?
It a weird situation. I know we're not dating or anything. But we're definitely doing SOMETHING. Neither of us have slept with anyone else since we started up again. I don't know. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing.

Love and light thoughts darlings

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Life, You Can Count Me Out Tonight.

So I am currently in the wonderful position of being hungover, sat in by myself, writing my dissertation proposal, while I listen to my next door neighbour (who happens to be the ex of the guy I'm sleeping with) have a party at which two of my housemates are attending. And that I wasn't invited to. And Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is on tv.
Oh and all the while I'm texting my ex-boyfriend.

What a shitty night this is turning out to be. Hating on life right now.

I'm going to eat a big bag of Doritos, finish my work as fast as humanly possible and put on a shitty film. Depending on how that goes, I may text the guy that is, to all intents and purposes, using me for sex when I am drunk.

And who said uni is the best time of your life.

Monday, 10 June 2013


I am a terrible blogger, I know.

Haven't been posting because my whole diet situation has gone out the window entirely. I'm actually kind of embarressed.

BUT I will be getting back on it today, seeing as I found at yesterday I'm getting a free holiday to IBIZAAA in August! How bloody amazing is that? Me and my sister are going for a week, we've got some amazing hotel, VIP entry to Space, the whole works. Bloody helllll.
We fly out exactly a week after I get back from Cambodia.
So to my 'friends' that booked to go to Barcalona for a long weekend without telling me... SUCK IT BITCHES

On that note, I saw photos on FB of those same friends out on a night out at home (I'm still at uni til Saturday) with the guy that I like (who has a girlfriend) and some of his mates. I'm kind of annoyed, but I guess they are sort of friends. It annoys me though, because out of my group of friends, it is definitely me that is the most friendly with them. Does that make any sense?

I'm rambling.

Anyway, current weight: 128 lbs (considering last nights Dominos, could defintely be worse)
I have 24 days til Cambodia, 56 days til Ibiza.
I need to get skinny URGENTLY.

However, I have noticed that the impossible has happened. I do believe I have a thigh gap. I shall post a picture later for you to consider, but for now, HOLIDAY SHOPPING!

Love and light thoughts!

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Sunshine and Freedom

So since Friday I have been eating horrifically. Shan't think about it. Can't think about it.

Sunshine is making me happy enough to not be too bothered.

My next door neighbour hates me because I'm sleeping with her ex. Technically I was sleeping with him last year before they even got together.

The guy that I really like from home has just changed his facebook status to In A Relationship.

Sucky crapness.

Other than that, it was a very good end of exams weekend, with lots of alcohol but minimal embarressment.

Friday --> London: Watched a BBC3 show being filmed, went out in Soho with my sister
Saturday --> Work: crazy Ukrainian wedding, free alcohol and good tips
Sunday --> Lovely BBQ and drinks with one of my besties
Monday --> Sunbathing and night out

I have sunburnt half of my face.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

God Damn Cravings...

Well I was right. This weekend was an absolute disaster as far as food was concerned.
In the three days I was away I ate two and a half brownies, two scoops of ice cream, chips, pastry and three slices of white bread. Oh and a panini on sourdough bread (does that count as white? unsure...) As a result I'm craving chocolate and sugar more than ever.
That went fucking well didn't it.

I weighed this morning (seeing as its also a jab day, its my little treat) and I was at 129 still. So basically, I haven't gained, but all the good I did in the first few days last week was totally undone by the weekend. Sigh.

I guess it evens out or something. I'm just desperate to be back under 125. I feel so fat alllll the time.
And I REALLY want chocolate.
Debating have some as a treat in friday after my last exam. But then another part of me is totally adamant that I need to be really really extra good for my last 2 weeks before I weigh again, I can't see the number on the scale go up any higher, I just can't.

Yesterday my calorie intake was a little over 1000, which is acceptable. Same for so far today, but I'll probably have a snack later to push me through revision. Its kind of a pain in the arse though, I really need to do food shopping but I can't be bothered, so I'm having to eat unusual meals, which are making my calorie intake go way up. Such a pain having to be extra extra careful when all I want to do is stuff my face.

Haven't done any proper exercise in dayyyys either, but my legs are still fucking killing from a 14 hour bar shift I did on Sunday. Bloody bank holidays.

Anyway, thats the extent of my current failures, shall see how the next few days go I guess.

Love and light thoughts

Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Days Two and Three

So yesterday I had a bit of a 'mare.
My FIVE alarms decided they didn't want to go off, and I consequently missed my (kind of important) exam. I mean, its okay, not like I want to pass uni or anything.
What a fucking disaster.

Its kind of sorted now, but in short yesterday was a bit manic. And because of that, I forgot to take my Pill, which means I've come on a week early. Which means all I want to do is shove chocolate in my face constantly. Which isn't allowed. God dammit.

Despite my housemate feeling sorry for me and offering to run down to shops to get my chocolate/cake/a Subway, I managed to say no (although I did have a mini Calippo which was 75 calories). My overall calorie intake for the day was approx 1200 which is acceptable I think. Today so far, I'm at just under 800, though I may end up snacking some more later. Don't really have much to snack on though tbh, so it'd have to be like a little salad or something, which is good I guess.

I figured these few days would be the worst craving-wise, seeing as how it's not been long enough for my body to realise it doesn't need that much sugar or whatever.

The next few days probably won't be so good though, I'm going to my friends for tea tomorrow and he's a boy and an absolute stick, so obviously he doesn't understand anything about calories or fats or sugars. I think it's going to push him enough to feed me without including meat.
Then I'll be at my sisters and, along with the rest of family, she freaks if she thinks I'm not eating a ridiculous amount.
But I shall do my best and see how it goes.

Love and light thoughts

Monday, 20 May 2013

Day One

Today is Day One

The beginning.

I was in way too much of a rush to weigh myself this morning (and my housemate gave me a load of shit to eat last night because she knew I was starting this today) so I'm not going to weigh for a little while now.

My last known weight was 129 lbs.

Next Monday I will weigh again.

So far, no cravings for chocolate or anything sweet. Good start I think. Had just under 900 cals so far today, might have a little snack later but I'm actually super full because I'm trying to drink like 2l of water a day, so I literally cannot fit food in :)

My ex started texting me today. I really like talking to him, but it just makes me so confused. Everythings so natural with him. I guess that makes sense, we were together for 2 years. He knows that every now and then when things get shitty I stop eating. Not that thats happened for a while, these days being upset just makes me eat half the world. Totally sucks.
I'm so confused about talking to him again though. I really don't know where my heads at. Like I've been sleeping with this guy J, nothing emotional, just casual sex and conversation, but since the last time we slept together he's gone silent on me. What the hell is that all about?
And then there's still M from home who I do still like, but haven't been allowing myself to think about.
So what the hell do I feel for my ex still?

I'm almost glad I have my exams to distract me.
Can't wait to run away to Cambodia for a month. Only 45 days to go.
In the more immediate future, I'm so excited to see my sister Thursday. I know I'm going to end up eating about a million calories, but it'll be worth it to see her, especially since I get to combine it with going to see my best mate :)

But before any of that, my 9am exam tomorrow beckons.

Love and light thoughts darlings

"I know right now you think there is no reason,
But you'll see, please trust me,
nothing in life is easy."
Paloma Faith, Beauty of the End

Friday, 17 May 2013

21 Days

So how much difference can 21 days make in life?

Apparently its long enough for me to get immunised against Rabies and Hepatitas B.
I get my first dose on Monday, 10.30.

Monday will also be the start of my new 21 day eating plan.
I follow this thing on twitter, HealthyTips or something its called, and it posted this thing saying that for 21 days, eat no sweets, no white bread, no fast food, no chocolate, no cake, no pastry etc etc, and see how much difference it can make.
So from Monday it will begin (there will be a few little lapses I already know, as I'm going to London with my sister for a night and so on) but otherwise, I will stick to it.
I'm currently torn between weighing only on the days I have my jabs (so the 7th and 21st day) or not weighing until the very end. I will probably wait and see how I feel.

So, the plan is, I'm going to weigh Monday morning before my jabs (and before I eat obviously) and I will post it here, and hopefully by the time the 21 days are up (the 10th of June) I will be a lot lighter!

Fingers crossed eh?

Love and light thoughts?

Sunday, 12 May 2013

But I've Got High Hopes

So, here is the promised proper post.

Apologies again for my too-long absence, coming back to uni and starting exams seems to have thrown me a bit.
My weight is (too) slowly creeping back down now that I'm back in charge of my own food, but I've been eating way too much. Think my current weight is about 129lbs, which isn't wonderful, but isn't horrific either.
The past few days have been quite unusual in the sense that I've actually been feeling quite positive about how I look. My stomach often looks almost flat even.
I think the random heatwave helped, when its hot all I want is salad and ice lollies, rather than chocolate and heavy meals.

Life seems to be so weird these days. This guy J that I had a kind of thing with last year started talking to me again all the time (which I may have already mentioned?), but its got to the stage now where if we don't talk every day its unusual. Then after my friends birthday party on Thursday we slept together for the first time in a year or so. And it was surprisingly good. When he first kissed me I was surprised by just how strong my reaction was. Like I wasn't expecting to like it quite so much.
I mean, I like M from home right?

My head is so confused. Last year I really really liked J and he messed me about a bit, then I figured I was over him, but I'm worried I'm in danger of liking him again.

For now I'm just going to try and keep it super-casual. I mean its only a month til we go home for summer, and then we'll be a full hour apart, and I'm away for a month in Cambodia and its just not plausible. I cannot be doing with a boyfriend right now anyway, so I'm just not even going to think of it as an option, not with J, not with M, not with any other super-hot guy who happens to come my way.

Its slightly bizarre actually that they are the two guys I kind of like, I mean you could not get more different if you tried. One is mixed race complete with afro, one is a lanky ginger. Though they're both pretty damn tall. I have to go on tippy-toes to kiss either. 

Ack, my head is so fucked.

Friday, 10 May 2013

Beautiful Bruises

Okay so i have been a terrible blogger. I am truly sorry, and will do a proper post asap.
This is just a quickie about something that has been on ny mind today.
Bruises are so beautiful when you think about it. The way they blossom under the skin, almost like a flower, with such a variety of colour. A physical mark of pain felt, a real sign that your body is alive and can feel emotion. 
Admittedly the trigger for this was not a painful experience, but if i say the bruises are on ny inner thighs i figure you will understand.
There is nothing quite like a bruise to really make you aware of your own body and what it is capable of.

Anyway, as I said, I promise i shall do a realy post soon, but for now, goodnight my lovelies.

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Post-Easter Holiday Weigh-In

So I've not posted in a while.

I'm back at uni which means back to exams and back to my scales.

I gained so badly in the month I didn't have them.

My intial weigh-in was 137 which is more than I have weighed in a long LONG time.
But then I weighed again the next morning and had dropped to 130 which I've maintained for the last few days.

And I'm due on my period tomorrow, so that might have something to do with it too.

But still, I am F A T.

Its sunny weather here atm, clearly a reminder that I need to be T H I N in time for summer.

Need to restrictttt.

I also really badly sunburnt my arms today, look like I dipped my arms into scalding water for a while.


Monday, 22 April 2013

Shopping Trips and Tipped Drinks

I fucking hate clothes shop sizing.
I mean don't get me wrong, I LOVE shopping. But the sizing is just a pile of crap.

I bought two items of clothes in a size 8 today (even though I'm major bloated atm cos I've been eating so much shit), yet I tried on a pair of trousers in Topshop and they were wayyy snug. So upsetting. I have been feeling super-big lately though. I must way so so much right now, but I haven't been able to weigh in ages :/ Don't think I could cope with it anyway.

I'm going out on saturday and I bought a cute new outfit to wear today, so I'm going to be extra good til then and hopefully I won't look like a whale. Eek.

Meeting up with my ex on wednesday eve. I saw him out last saturday night, and one of his friends threw a drink over me "by accident".

Yeah right. What a dick.

So anyway, he said a load of shit about how he still loves me and thinks about me all the time, blah blah blah. It just makes me angry, because not only did he break up with me but we've been through this all before, and we got back together, and it didn't work. I'm not stupid enough to go back a 3rd time.

I mean obviously I still have feelings for him, but I don't know, its just not right anymore, know what I mean?
Its hard to articulate...

Love and light thoughts darlings

Thursday, 18 April 2013


I went to see my grandma today. She's got Alzeimhiers (which I really cannot spell) and dementia. One lucky lady.
It was nice to spend some time with her, she told me all these cute little stories from back when she was young and lived in Ireland, then when she moved to England and started seeing my grandad.
I'm trying to make the most of these moments while I can, who knows how much longer it'll be before she doesn't remember them. I was thinking about writing down her stories, kind of The Notebook style, so when she's properly losing it, we'll still have my little book of stories.
I go back to uni next week, so I'll go see her once more, then I'll be 200 miles away, but I'm going to try and remember to call her, I know it means a lot to her.
Doesn't half make me scared of getting old though. Is Alzeimhiers genetic?

In other news, not much going on really. Haven't been able to weigh in a while, but my eatings not been great and I still don't fit back in my size 6 dress. Depressing much.
Working all day tomorrow so I should burn off a fair few calories there, but my mums said we're getting a chinese on saturday in honour of my sister being home for the weekend which is lovely, but just so fatty! Will have to make sure I do one of my exercise dvds to try and counteract it at least a little, since I'm going out drinking afterwards as well. Joyous.

Anyways, I probably won't be able to update tomorrow, but until next time,
Love and light thoughts

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Going Back To The Start

I found this yesterday which I quiet liked

So I was thinking last night, trying to work backwards to where the beginning of my problems with food began. It wasn't something that was with me since childhood, I ate like an absolute monster when I was a child, because I was one of those kids that eat a ridculous amount, yet somehow are still super skinny. Shame that doesn't happen anymore!
I think my friend G might be partially to blame. We were best best friends as kids, and she was always on the chubby side. By the time we got to high school she was very aware of her weight, and was always telling me about ways to be healthy, slimming world, weightwatchers, drinking water when your hungry and so on and so on.
When we used to go out shopping she'd tell me to buy clothes a size or two too big, so they weren't too tight, and I think over the years it made a message sink on: You need to lose weight.
I've never been bigger than a size 10, but looking back at photos and the way size 10s fit me now, I think there was a time when I should have been in a 12 but I just kept wearing the smaller size anyway.

Now I'm not saying all of my issues with food are because of G, I know a lot of it must have been deep-seated in me to begin with, but I can't help but think she is somehow involved.

On a side note, she's really slim now. I was going to put up a photo to compare us, but I can't find any that include our bodies, only up to shoulder height or whatever. Last time we spoke she said she weighed about 132 or so, which is actually half a stone more than me, but I'm not so sure. She definitely looks thinner, and we're pretty much the exact same height, so who knows.


Love and light thoughts

Monday, 15 April 2013


In a good mood today, its been sunny and warm enough to have windows open :) and I feel like I've been productive.
Haven't in actual fact, but I've made a list of things that I need to do before I go back to uni in just under two weeks, I emptied the dishwasher and did an aerobics workout.
Considering I've been up just over 3 hours, its not so bad.

Plan to do a little revision later, or maybe just make a list of things to revise. I know lists seem like they are just another way to procrastinate, but I work off lists quite well.

Foodwise, it's been an iffy couple of days. Saturday was pretty good because I was working literally all day and burned off loads of calories, without really having the chance to eat. I also turned down a maccies which is a good sign. (and the people I was working for offered me more work which is always handy! Plus two of the guys I was working with were HOT. Could definitely handle working with them again!)
Yesterday, not so good, was so tired from not getting in from work til 6am that I just crashed all day, my mum said I was sort of jetlagged, but I just felt hungover all day, and when I'm hungover I just eat and eat and eat.
But today I'm feeling good again, I had some leftover vegetable pasta bake for lunch and haven't had anything else yet, though mum is making shepherds pie for tea and she does... generous helpings.

Feeling really postive about getting some weight off before summer :)

Still have my pathetic little crush on inappropriate guy. So irritating as this guy I really fancied last year has started talking to me on fb all the time again, and it would be much more convenient for me to like him, but no, my heart has to be awkward. Feel like I need to put it on lockdown for a while.

Also rather irritatingly I think I'm having an allergic reaction to my Pill. I have never been allergic to anything in my life, so this is really really annoying. Will have to talk to the doc about it when I go back to get more, maybe they can change me to a different one or something.

Love and light thoughts!

Friday, 12 April 2013

Getting Back On Track

So, I finally weighed myself again today. Fully dressed I came in at 127lbs.
Its not great, but it wasn't as bad as I expected either, so it evens out I guess.

I'm not exactly distraught, but it has given me the kick up the backside I needed to start tracking my calories again, which means once again I'm back myfitnesspal.
I didn't realise just how much it helped me to control my eating. Obviously it's still not going to be ideal since I'm still at home and not in charge of cooking/shopping so its difficult to eat low-cal sometimes, but I can definitely do better than I have been doing.

My aim is to hopefully get back down to under 9 stone before I go back to uni. I know that two weeks is a long time to lose what is basically like 2lbs, but I've been so horrendously awful recently that I think its a reasonable target. We shall see I guess.

Love and light thoughts

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

good days

So, i went out last night for my friends birthday and it was such good fun. i even had some chips at the end of the night without ending up crying, which hasnc't happened in a while. so thats an improvement.
ic've eaten a little too much today due to hangover, but its not been as bad as it could have been. ic'm feeling good on the whole. 
though i still havenc't weighed in like a week. maybe tomorrow.

anyway, ic'm on my phone and it makes me slow typing, so thats all for today folksa!

love and light thoughts

Monday, 8 April 2013

Moment of Clarity

So I'm sitting here just casually watching Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (a guilty pleasure), contemplating another piece of chocolate when I realise...

Just because I've eaten badly so far today, doesn't give me a reason to continue eating badly.
Just because I've already had some shortbread and chocolate does not mean I should carry on.

If I keep waiting for tomorrow to start being healthy, then I never will.

One little lapse, should not give me 'permission' to have a bad day.
I am gaining and this is why.

Its all so clear now.

From now, not tomorrow, I will start losing again.
From right this second now.

Saturday, 6 April 2013

What Is Eaten In Private Is Worn In Public

So, I know I've been hugely over-eating lately. Like to the point of ridiculousness.
But this morning it really hit me.
I went to put on the size 6 dress I got a few weeks back, which is a little snug anyway but comfortable enough, and it literally would not do up.

I wanted to cry.

Today was still a shitty day for food, but I think it was because I'd already eaten badly before I realised just how much I must have gained, and I'm never good at stopping once I've started.

I refused to weigh today, which means my last known weight is still 125, though it's likely to be up on that. I'm hoping a lot of this is just period bloat, which will hopefully go soon :/

I'm going out on Tuesday night, so fingers crossed I can sort it out a bit by then, just going to try and be extra good, focussing on the fact that I'm going out and want to look good, not like a beached whale.

Don't remember if I mentioned I went out on Thursday night? Don't think I've blogged since then, so I'll do a quick fill-in.
After stressing because I looked super-fat but couldn't change as I'd forgotten to take extra clothes to change into (so stuck with high-waisted shorts and a crop top with my belly all over the place), the night was going reasonably well until I saw my ex's friend out. And he said that my ex had been "talking shit" about me. Definitely put a downer on the night.
So of course I text my ex who was just so... off with me. I know that doesn't sound so weird, but even since we broke up, he still talks to me totally fine, like never funny or anything. So, it was strange. I don't even know what to think.

Not helping that I have a schoolgirl crush on the most inappropriate person ever atm as well. Really really hoping thats going to pass asap, its making my life super awkward.

What the fuck even is my life.

Love and light thoughts

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

New and Old Thinspo

Not a real post, nothing good has happened since I last posted, so just a little bit of thinspo, my new and old, Audrey Hepburn and Rooney Mara.

Oh, and I've decided (after a brief depressed spell), that in order to make up for the failure that is my excuse of a life, I am without doubt going to dedicate my life to making other peoples better.

Anyway, enjoy.

Thursday, 28 March 2013

Coming Home

So I've not posted in a couple of days, I'm sorry.

I've been too embarressed to really.

I've been eating so so so much its ridiculous. I haven't even been tracking calories because I know it'll just depress me. Its just impossible at home, I can't control what I have for tea, my mum keeps buying me snacks that I love but are just so fatty (like humous). Then I have to eat them because otherwise I get funny looks that say 'why aren't you eating?'

My dad already thinks I'm too skinny even though I'm so not so he keeps force-feeding me shit. I feel like I've gone wild and just can't control what enters my mouth anymore, even when I'm alone I'm just eating eating eating constantly. UGH.

Progressively managed to make my life even more awkward in the four days I've been home.
I very nearly slept with a guy I've known since college, we're always friendly but its never gone past a little harmless flirting, which was good. Then on Tuesday night (student night in my town), it changed. He kissed me, and I didn't stop him. And then we carried on kissing. And instead of getting a taxi home with my friends, I went back to his. We didn't have sex, but other stuff happened.

And the real cincher? I slept with his brother two years ago. My life is a MESS.

So anyway, now I have no idea whats happening with that. We've not spoken since, but we don't speak all that regularly anyway. I do have his hoodie that I need to give him back though. And a bracelet, but I'm keeping that.

I really hope it doesn't make life awkward. Everyone said the next day that they had all been waiting for this to happen for ages, but I don't think so. I mean, yeah we flirt and we've had a few almost-kisses in the past, but that doesn't necessarily mean it was always going to happen. I'm so confused.

And there was me thinking coming home would make life so much simpler.

Ho hum.

Monday, 25 March 2013

Toyko I Think We Got A Problem

So don't you just hate it when things don't turn out how you expect them too?

I'm so irritated tonight its untrue.
Me and this girl I used to be really close with fell out over last summer, but we still have the same friendship group.
I've really been making an effort to not make life awkward, so I invited her out with us all tomorrow, as our 'big reunion' now that we're all home for easter.
Then I found out she later organised for them all to see each other tonight, so now the only person who hasn't seen anyone yet is me.

I'm really upset.

I tried to explain to my mum but she just told me not to let it get to me.

I hate that I'm always the one making the effort ever.

And I've been eating like a fat shit recently, so I'm going to look crap as hell tomorrow night.

Oh and guess what? She's decided to wear an almost identical outfit to me apparently. I've been toying with the idea of changing, but I think I should stick to my guns. Bit worried I'm going to look chubbs though.

Fucks sake. Why can nothing just go right anymore?

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Tell Me Everything Is Going To Be Alright

So todays calorie intake was much better. Under 1000. Not including my juice, but I never do.

Its not amazing, but its getting back on track. And today was a finishing off essays day, which is when I normally 'treat' myself to some junk food.

I don't think I'm going to be too great tomorrow, lunch with my sister, tea at my uncles, then we always get ice cream at the theatre. But we shall see.

Worst comes to worst, this weekend is crappy, then Monday I get a fresh start.

I'm a little worried though, at home I don't have any scales (unless I'm at my dads which is maybe once a week?) Loads of food not cooked by myself and no scales. It's going to be difficult to say the least.

So tonight/tomorrow morning may be my last weigh-in for a while.

My weight right now is 125. Thats pretty upsetting. Fuuuuck. Although I have had about five glasses of juice in the past two hours, so it could quite literally be water-weight. I damn well hope so. I'll weigh again tomorrow morning and hopefully it will have gone down a little.
Oh wait, actually thats probably the repercussions of that massive load of chocolate I had yesterday. Okay that makes sense then. Stupid fat hoe.

Hmm. I don't really have much else to say, so I'll just sign off. I'll be gone til Sunday evening, so until then,

Love and light thoughts

P.S. Here's my new favourite thinspo:

Wednesday, 20 March 2013


So today could have been wonderful. Soup for lunch, light tea.
Then I ate a whole pack of cadbury fingers. I kid you not, a whole pack. Thats something like 750 calories on its own. Fucks sake.

I was reading my earliest posts on this blog before, a bit of essay procrastination (seriously, who cares that much about the downfall of the roman republic?), and I was ashamed of how bad my eating has become.

I mean I know everyone has ups and downs and all, but I used to average like 500-750 a day, now I'm lucky if I stay under 1250.

I should be ashamed of myself.

I intend to start sorting it out from now on, however I am away from home this weekend, at my uncles. Lots of family, lots of people watching my eating. So I'll just have to do the best I can, then start afresh on Monday. Although that is the start of the Easter holidays, and while I'm DYING to go home, foods going to be a bit iffy. I'll just have to manage best I can.

I just have to keep reminding myself that at the start of this blog I was 131 on a good day. I'm now averaging 123 (unless I've binged a lot recently). Thats almost 10lbs difference. I just need to see how far I've come, and how far I've got still to go.

Kiwi asked me my weight today. I gave him a "something around" kind of answer. If people ask I tend to say about 9 stone (126), even though I'd be so upset if the scales actually said that. Can't have people knowing how carefully I monitor my weight. Specially not hot Kiwi's.
Even though I don't think I'm that into him anymore. Go figure.

The scales actually said 121 when I first got on this morning, but I think that was a fluke. Hmm. I wish. I really wanna hit 120, feel like I've been stuck where I am forever.

Love and light thoughts!

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Brighter Skies Ahead

Sorry for being so fucking depressing yesterday.
Spoke to mother dearest today and am feeling considerably perkier.

Still writing these god awful essays however so my life is still majorly boring.
Although this guy I was kind of seeing/sleeping with way back around this time last year messaged me out of the blue last night. Just generally chatting but it was a bit bizarre to say the least! I knew he'd broken up with his girlfriend (she lives literally next door to me) but I didn't think that'd mean he'd start talking to me ago.
Go figure.

Anyway, food today hasn't been too terrible.
Cereal and yoghurt for brunch (281 cal - it was a little pack thing cos I've got no food in so of course it was tragically calorific, although shan't lie, I really enjoyed it. Is it weird that cereal is a real treat for me?)
4 finger Kitkat in the library (233 cal - I was staaaaaarving and it was either that or a bag of crisps!)
Sausage and veg pasta for tea (unsure, around 600? I had loaaads of pasta but it was quorn sausage, and literally no fat, oil or cheese added, so debateable. My calorie tracker says about 600)
2 Melon slices (30 cal)
1 Jammie Dodger (83 cal)

So overall 1236

Could have been worse. I didn't walk to campus today or anything, but I did lug my laptop around, plus a load of library books, and walked up to the 3rd floor like a billion times. But still, no real exercise again.

I'll get there one day.

Weighed in at 123 again. I can live with that for now.

Now I need to go make a dent in this essay I'm afraid.

Love and light thoughts

Monday, 18 March 2013


Today has been simply awful.

If there was ever a time that I wanted to go to bed and never emerge now would be it.

My housemates being a bitch to me for no reason, my essays are making me majorly stressed, I'm meant to be finding time to think about dissertations, I'm meant to be leaving on Friday and have absolutely no idea when I'm supposed to do any packing at all and to top it all of my sister decided tonight was the night to have a go at me. Oh and I might not be gaining, but I'm definitely not losing either.

I am literally falling apart.

It's got to one of those stages where something is going to have to give.

Last weigh-in was 123, but I think its very high end. I need to get more specific scales.
I had so much chocolate today. I've been binge eating to cope with the stress. Normally I'd fluctuate the other way but I'm spending so much time in the library and its so quiet I don't want my tummy to rumble and have everyone around me just sitting there thinking 'omg what a fat shit, listen to her stomach'.

Today I had a Cadbury shortcake snack bar (210 cals), then a mini cupcake with chocolate icing and a piece of chocolate birthday cake as well. I AM a fat shit.

Yesterday was worse, I had a whole medium dominos to myself, plus a side of potato wedges, plus two mini cupcakes.

I sicken myself.

I feel like I'm spiralling.

Maybe if I do something drastic to make people realise that I'm not coping they'd take me away from life and wrap me up in cotton wool. I don't know what I'd do though. I'm clearly a failure at starving myself as my fat ass body can testify to. I can almost feel the word fat rolling around in my head. FAT, FAT, FAT.

I could never cut, I'd be too scared.

Maybe I should just neck a bottle of pills and down some vodka.
That seems a reasonably painless way to go.

But my family has a nice weekend planned, don't want to fuck that up for them.


Saturday, 16 March 2013

The Problems of Work

So yesterday I was in work for 12 hours. Just wonderful really when I have two essays to write. But the money issue is rather urgent so I couldn't turn it down.

The problem with being at work is that it always screws up my eating, because I just have to eat whatever they give me. I normally try and go to morrisons or something beforehand and pick up some low-cal vegetarian sushi but I didn't have time yesterday, the only things I could find would have been fatty cheese sandwiches. Ugh.

So yeah, it didn't wok out too badly in the end, had a stuffed pepper and some roasted new potatoes. Probably more potatoes than I needed tbh. I had an unfortunate amount of chocolate too, but that was because my energy levels were dipping so badly I thought I was going to drop everything I was holding constantly.

Then when I was on the bar, people kept offering to buy me drinks, so I got pretty hammered while I was working (luckily my boss doesn't mind as long as I can still serve!)

I tried to work out my net calories but it was just impossible. I don't know what the potatoes were cooked in, what type of butter they use, how many calories I burnt. I was on my feet for most of the day, carrying plates and running up and down stairs, so I think I probably came out of it okay, despite the chocolate and stuff.

Then when I got in I was wayyy too tired to eat even though I was hungry so I just went straight to bed.

I am yet to eat today, but I'm not hungry either. I think I might just wait til 5 then have tea as my first meal, and some soup later if I'm hungry.

Anyway, I hope your all okay, sorry I've been so boring lately, but I really need to go start work on this essay, I need to get at least 1,500 words written today and I currently have less than 50. Definitely should not have slept in quite so late!

Love and light thoughts

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Good Days

So there are good days and bad days for everyone I guess.

Today has most definitely been a 'good day'.

I managed to wear the size 6 dress all day without discomfort

My calorie intake has been minimal. Less than 500 according to my calorie counter.

I have found my new saviour. They are Ryvita Cracker Bread's. I think technically you're meant to top them with like soft cheese or something, but I actually quite like them by themselves. I had one for breakfast, then two for lunch with a stick of celery. And they're only 19 cals!

Then tea was admittedly pasta (with butternut squash and courgette and a whole heap of mayo [but the lighter than light one]). I had a regular serving but I was so so stuffed afterwards! I'm hoping this means I'm actually shrinking my stomach a little bit. Fingers crossed eh?

I'm craving pizza a little, but no chocolate cravings which I've been terrible for recently!

I did an exercise dvd this morning too, Jillian Micheals one, it was so so hard! But high impact, so lots of calories burnt there I hope.

Weight was 122 which is wonderfully low for me. That was before I'd eaten anything at all though, so doubt I'll maintain that just yet though, but still its a good sign.

I might have a snack later, maybe a little cous cous or something, nothing too heavy.

This has been a terribly boring post. I do apologise. I'm in essay-writing mode, so everything I say at the moment is very much boring!

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Kiwi's and calories

So I am like majorly freaking out atm.

The Kiwi wants to see me tomorrow. Like he's willing to spend £50 on a train to ticket to come spend the day with me.

I want to see him but I am like full on tubs right now. My bad weekend has caught up with me and I am back at 126 when I just weighed. Fuuuuuck. And I have like a gabillion spots. And its going to be daylight, and I'm going to look rank and he's going to massively regret spending that money.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Plus side: today has been somewhat back on track in regards to my eating.

Breakfast: 1 wholemeal bagel (spread out from 8.30 til 12) = 223 cal
Lunch: Butternut squash and feta salad = 255 cal
Tea: homemade tomato, veg and orzo soup = 234 cal
Snacks: 2 cadbury caramel eggs, small tin of sweetcorn = 450 cal

Daily total = 1,162 cal

Could have been under 1000 if not for the chocolate eggs, but even so I'm quite happy with that.
Hopefully tomorrow will be along the same lines, but I'm not convinced it will be tbh.
Lets see what happens with the Kiwi I guess.

Monday, 11 March 2013

Weekend Summary

So, back from yet another weekend of binge eating. I'm an absolute disaster.

Tbf, it wasn't entirely my fault. Nah thats a load of shit, its totally my own fault.

I stayed at my friends  and actually did really well with the pub, told him I had eaten lunch really late and then just had a baby portion of chips to stop myself from getting too drunk. It worked out quite well, I sat nibbling on chips and wasn't actually jealous of them all with burgers and giant plates of pub food (although I did crave some mushy peas!).

That night out was just a big ol' mess though. I literally don't even know where to start talking about it.
In a nutshell, the main events were:
  • I got chatted up by a very hot rugby player from New Zealand who is in the area working for the year
  • One of my friends friend pulled me over to one side and told me that my talking to said hot guy was upsetting my friend. When I asked why, I was told apparently he likes me. We had this problem back in college and I thought it was sorted like forever ago, but now I don't know what to think.
  • My friend got very drunk and upset about something else entirely and repeatedly left me alone in the club to the point where I got very angry and shouted at him.
  • We ended up leaving early, and I had to comfort him until he basically fell asleep.
In the morning we were back to our usual selves, admittedly with a sheepish apology on his behalf. I literally don't know what to think about what his friend told me. Confusing much.
And my housemate that I would normally talk to about all this stuff is ignoring me, so I don't know what to do at all. Ackkk.

But back to food and shit. So the morning after, we went to a cafe and I was absolutely ravenous so ended up getting a veggie fry-up - not exactly diet food. Then I went out for tea with my sister to TGIFridays and had mozzarella sticks and a veggie burger and fries. I literally could not bear to work out the calories. I looked up the mozzarella sticks and they alone are like 770 cals. D:
So mortifiying. I'm ashamed of having eaten and enjoyed them.

The next day was better, though marginally. I counted calories again and made it about 1600 or so. Not great by any means, but considering we had pizza and garlic bread, plus chocolate pudding, I don't feel too bad about it.

Anyways this has all got a bit rambly. What I actually intended to write about was that I just got two new exercise DVDs through the post, going to try out one tonight I think, I'm quite excited for it! I got 'Clubland: Work It Out' which I think is like dance-y stuff, then 'Jillian Micheals: Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism' which says you can loose up to 5 pounds a week from it. I somehow doubt that, but we shall see I guess!

Need to get my fat ass to work getting skinny if I'm going to see that NZ guy again (my friend has taken to calling him Kiwi so I might just use that) although he did say he thinks I've got a good figure. But it was dark and he was probably drunk, so his judgement was most likely skewed. Or alternatively, all NZ girls are chubbers. But that seems highly unlikely.

I'm sorry this has become some majorly long post, it wasn't meant to be haha.


Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Binging and Tight Pants

Nothing really to report on today tbh.

Was amazing through til just after tea, was super low-cal for me, just over 600 cal, then I stupidly stupidly went to the shop and bought a load of chocolate. ARGH.

Why do I do this to myself?? Such an idiot.

For a chocolate binge it could have been a lot lot worse.
4 rows (20 squares) of Galaxy chocolate (because clearly buying the big bar seemed like a GREAT idea at the time) = 420 cal
4 maryland double chocolate chip cookies = 216 cal.

So 636.

I know thats really really bad considering I'm meant to be restricting, but all in all, it could have been a lot, lot worse.

Might leave weighing myself til tomorrow.

Least the pre-period bloat has gone, which is bizarre really considering I've not actually come on yet. Not complaining though.

I'm going to a party at my friends house on friday for his housemates birthday, and I'm kind of nervous. I've bought these new disco pants to wear which are super super tight and they look quite good as long as I'm not bloated, but I'm really worried that I'm going to randomly be having a fat day (or that we end up going the pub for tea and I give in and order something humungous).
I might just allow myself to have a decent sized lunch so that I can reasonably just tell my friend that I'm not that hungry and only have a childs meal or a salad or something (he's a boy, he won't think about it too much!)
But will I actually have a small meal or will I just end up eating ten tonne of shit?? Eek. Need to get my self-restraint under control. I'm sure it'll be okay. I'll just have to bear in mind that I'm wearing tight pants and a crop top in front of a lot of people that I don't really know, lots of them kind of hot guys.
There is a small part of me going DON'T DO IT, JUST WEAR A FAILSAFE! But I shan't give in!

N.B. my "failsafe's" are dresses/outfits that even when I'm having a fat day and think I look shit in absolutely everything, I logically know that I normally feel quite good in so generally shouldn't feel fat in.

Ack ack ack.

Love and light thoughts!! <3

Tuesday, 5 March 2013


Its a little soon for another post, but I had such a horrible nightmare last night.

I dreamt I was being raped again, though not by the same guy. But this time my sister new what was happening, she was just too scared to do anything. I managed to tell my male friend that I told when it really happened, and he rounded people up to come help. The rapist in the dream was holding my face to his, about to leave, pretending to my sister that we were in love or something, then all these people came crashing through the door. They grabbed him and I was taken away somewhere safer.
Afterwards everyone stayed round me, asking me if I was okay, even guys I barely recognised. But I could tell something was different. The way they looked at me, I wasn't me anymore, I was 'the victim'.

I think thats why I was too scared to tell many people when it actually happened. I couldn't bare to be the victim to everyone. If I don't tell anyone, then everyone thinks I'm still me, still strong, dependable. Maybe thats why I find it so hard to tell everyone why I'm struggling so much at uni.

I'm so pathetic.

On the plus side, weight is back down this morning to 124. Not sure how long that will last, I've not actually eaten yet. Just going to have some fruit and greek yoghurt for lunch and see how it goes while I try and shake off this nightmare.

Monday, 4 March 2013

Possibly Having A Mental Breakdown

So I think I may officially be going crazy.

I am stressed beyond belief and I want to drop out of uni altogether.

I am simply not coping.

I've gained after this horrible weekend of eating. 126. I am back over 9 stone. I shall be restricting like a bitch. That is the only form of control I have left in my life.

I have to meet with my personal tutor soon. I don't know what to tell her. How do you explain in the middle of an office that your life has gone down the shitter and you want to curl up and never face the world again?

I almost want to ask for a counsellor, but I don't know what I'd tell them. According to doctors and BMI and all that shit, I am perfectly healthy. On the outside there is nothing wrong with me.

I am decaying inside. There is something wrong with my as an emotional human being.

All I want is for July to hurry up so I can escape to Cambodia for a month.

Maybe I'll become a cliche and find myself out there.

Maybe I'll never come back.

Friday, 1 March 2013

Pick Pick Pick

Literally cannot stop eating lately. Don't even know whats wrong with me but I'm just like constantly eating something.

Had such a nightmare the other day, went to a friends house (had already eaten a small tea) and started to get hungry while I was there. Normally at that stage I'd go get some fruit and fat-free greek yoghurt, but because I was out, and at a boys house of all places, the only thing I was offered was takeaway chips. And there were like a billion (okay four [one of whom I've slept with twice recently while horrendously drunk]) boys in the room so I didn't want to start whinging about calorie intake, but then I didn't want a rumble-y tummy either, so I ended up eating them D: very upsetting.

Ahhh grossness. I NEED to get this eating situation under control! But then another friend is coming to stay this weekend so it'll be all treaty fatty foods, like pizza and chocolates. And we're getting a Dominoes before we go out tomorrow. Cos THAT will make me look lovely and slim in the fitted dress I'm wearing. Such a nightmare, but I really can't afford to whine about weight atm, I think my friends are all starting to get arsey with me.

Particularly since after doing that quiz thing the other day everyone knows each others weights now.

And I nearly told one of my housemates she looked fat last while I was angry at her (in my defence she was being a total tool). But she's not really that fat. Like by our standards yes, but the rest of the world wouldn't think so. She's like  a size 10/12. Not that much bigger than me.

And I've not lost in forever. I need need need to get myself back on track.


I've already eaten so much today. 2 eggs, 2 quorn sausages, 2 pieces of seeded bread, handful of caramel nibbles, couple of grapes. Tea will be a stirfry.
So much for my hopes of restricting.

I can already feel it in my bones that this will be the week I go back over 125. But then again, I am due on next week, so maybe its only that. Hopefully it is, and after I'll go back to normal. EEK.

Sorry for rambling, I'll be back Monday.

Love and light thoughts <3

Monday, 25 February 2013

Disaster Weekend

So yeah, my friend coming did totally fuck up my eating no end. Ate so much fucking chocolate. And I'm going out tomorrow, gonna look like an actual whale. Shit. More on that in a bit.

One of my housemates asked me to do this questionnaire for her coursework on diet and exercise and OH MY GOD I had to write my WEIGHT on the front of it! Distressing no end!! Did mean I got to sneaky find out how much a few of my other housemates weigh though which was interesting. I've guestimated their BMI's too, compared to mine  (cos we're all different heights and shit).

my bmi = 19.3
housemate 1 = 20.8
housemate 2 = 27.7

The ones I was most interested in, however, I didn't see. Upsetting.

But yeah, the quiz itself was just stressful, I had to tick boxes saying how often I felt confident, how emotionally stable I felt, etc etc and loads of people were in the room even though it was meant to be anonymous, and my pen was a different colour so everyone knows which was mine and it had my fucking weight on the front! Made me want to die inside a little bit. Ugh ugh ugh.

And when I weighed myself before the scales said 126. But now its gone back down to 124. So I don't even know how fat to feel.

I'm skipping lunch tomorrow and just going to have a light veggie tea, so hopefully I won't look awfully humungous when we go out. Its like major added stress cos these guys we know are coming to ours to predrink and I slept with one of them fairly recently and everyone keeps making jokes about it, and like I don't fancy him AT ALL but I kind of want him to fancy me if that makes any sense at all, and if I look all shitty his friends are going to be like ugh why on earth did you sleep with HER?! And my super beautiful skinny friend has very very recently become single again and its just stress stress stress.

Don't even know what to do.

And another friend is coming down on Friday, so I have til then to sort out this weekends food disasters before slamming straight back into another. Like seriously, I've been over 1500 cals like everyday since Friday.

And I ate a whole fucking share-size bag of chocolates today.

And my skin is fucking disgust, like all spots everywhere.

What is my life.


Friday, 22 February 2013


Hey darlings,

I don't really have much to update on, but my friend is coming to stay for a couple of days so I thought it would be good to a last check in before I go off the radar til Monday.

I'm a bit worried about how his eating will affect mine, he's one of those guys that can eat and eat and never gain a pound. I'll just have to work on some careful portion control. It sucks because I've been low-carbing as much as possible and theres no way I can get away with giving him just salad or veg for tea which is what I tend to eat, with just like a little spoonful of cous cous or something so it's not too obvious. But then again, I did eat three slices of seeded bread today which is excessive to say the least! Ughhh.

I weighed in this morning at 123 which isn't bad, but I'm convinced all the work I've done to get back on track after my week at home is going to be undone over the next few days... As long as I don't go back over 126 I should be okay.

We've been out drinking a couple of nights this week and people were taking quite a lot of photos. I've not seen them all yet but the ones that were on my camera weren't too horrific. There's quite a few where I look a bit bizarre, for some reason I seem to be losing weight off my shoulders and collarbone rather than anywhere else? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm happy to have such definition to my collarbones atm, but it would be nice to loose a bit off my stomach and thighs! Instead I now have a visibly bony sternum. Mmm, sexy.

I think I've been mentioning calorie intake too much recently as well, one of my friends commented on it the other night, saying I've gone a bit crazy with monitoring what I've eaten. But I have had quite a lot in front of her the last few days, even a chocolate bar, so hopefully she'll ease up on me a little bit (and not get too watch-y).

Have a skinny weekend

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Small Victories

Sorry for being away so long, I left my laptop at uni while I went home for the week.

While there I remembered that my sister has this grey dress that she bought when she was super super skinny. like barely ate and drank loads all the time. she was teeny tiny. I have never come close to fitting in it. A couple of days ago I decided to see how far off I was, and it fit perfectly! If anything it was a tiny bit big! Fucking amazing. Too happy about that.

I also tried on my prom dress that was altered to my exact size for my year 11 prom about four years ago. Massively too big.

And I fit into a size 6 dress. Admittedly it is tight, and I could probably have done with an 8 (it was in the sale for £5 and the only size left) but the fact remains that I physically fit into a size 6, enough to actually wear it.

Apparently even when you don't see change it is happening.

My Dad was super arsey with me all week though, he's convinced I've lost too much weight and need to put some back on. As if thats going to happen, why would I intentionally gain weight??

And anyway, I DID put weight on being at home, as per usual! I'm back at 125 which I really can't seem to get away from :/ Too many big meals that I have to eat in front of people, then between my mum, dad, stepmum, friends and ex all being on my back about not eating enough, leaving a lot of food wasn't really an option.

I think I'm going to detox/do the Dukan Diet for a while and hopefully that will get my down to around 120 (which would be my new LW).

Hope everyones okay


Monday, 11 February 2013

Haircuts and Home

Been an odd week.

Totally overeaten everything that I possibly could have.

Even had chinese takeaway last night (in celebration of the chinese new year). Intended to eat a half-portion, as per, instead got carried away and ate the whole container of Udon noodles in one sitting. They were good but jesus, calories or what.

Haven't weighed yet. Little scared too.

Debating getting my hair cut again. Its like a long bob at the moment, but I'm thinking of getting it done like this:

Decisions decisions.

Will shorter hair make my face look fat?

I'm too excited to go home tomorrow. Its going to fuck my eating up no end, but I'm desperate to see my mum and dad, and get away from uni for a while.
Its so weird with my dad, like I don't really see him all that much, but every now and again I get really strong pangs of missing him. Now is one of those times. I just want a cuddle and to be able to sit and watch some history programme without him asking me a million questions. I love my mum to pieces but sometimes she makes me talk about things I just don't want to yet.
This time tomorrow I'll be home.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

If Only I Had An Enemy Bigger Than My Apathy

I'm so listless at the moment.

I hate doing nothing but theres nothing I want to do. I spend my time missing lectures and sitting in the house bored out of my skull.

I just want to go to bed and sleep forever.

I think my mums worried about me. She's offered to pay for me to reinstate my gym membership which is like £75, just to give me something to do.

I don't understand why I feel like this. Emotions just seem to evade me.

I guess this is the post-break-up reaction, it just hit a little late. I was upset for like a day, then I seriously thought I was okay. I was even a little worried about how okay I was. But now... I just don't know. I don't feel like me.

Nothing seems important anymore.

I'm eating between 750 and 1000 calories a day, slightly more yesterday, my housemate bought me a kitkat as a treat, then sat watching me eat it, so I didn't get much of a choice really, and I'd already slurged and had 3 pieces of fudge which was a bit of a nightmare. I'm eating super healthy at mealtimes though; mainly soup, veg and tofu, although again yesterday I had a load of cous cous as well.

Could definitely be worse.

Weighed in at 123 again this morning, but thats on no food at all, just a mug of juice. I'll weigh again before bed and see if its changed at all.

Monday, 4 February 2013

Fear and Photos.

Eaten like an absolute monster recently.
After my hangover binge the other day I have literally not stopped eating.

I'm so scared to weigh myself.

I've been better today though, much better (aside from eating like ten million grapes).

Just a small bag of buttons for lunch then some stir-fried quorn steak strips and bell pepper for tea. If I get hungry later on I have celery sticks and low-fat humous to snack on, though I hope I won't need them.

I need to weigh myself, its panicking me not knowing how much I weigh at all. What if i'm back over 9 stone? Is not knowing at all better than knowing?

Might post a photo of where I'm at now. Hopefully it will encourage me to lose more.

I think I feel worse today than usual due to my several day binge eat, and the fact that I slept with the union guy again on saturday night, but this time I was less drunk. He's in such good shape it makes me feel bad. Like super super toned, not an ounce of fat on him. It makes me feel bad in comparison, like what if he decides he can find a slimmer girl instead? Not that I want to date him or anything (obviously I've only just become single again!) but still, I do seriously fancy him and I want him to fancy me back! Such a stupid word, "fancy". And at any rate, he does drugs occassionally which I really hate, so it would never work anyway. Ack ack ack. Confused brain...

Went to a party on friday and very nearly told my housemate about this blog. Which would have been a total disaster of course. It so nearly slipped out, I said to her that I had something to tell her, then she asked if it could wait til after her fag. I said yes, and by the time she had finished it, I had lost the courage again. Which is probably for the best. I couldn't bare it if anyone I actually knew read this.

Just weighed myself, I'm at 8.13 or 125. Thats scarily close to over 9. I'm going to be so careful this week, we're not drinking til the weekend I think so I should hopefully be able to get myself back on track.

Just as a side note, I apologise for these photos being so bad quality, but I felt the need to post them in order to make myself embarressed enough to work harder to be able to get a progress photo. As I am now, though not near my HW (which I am estimating to be somewhere around 140lbs or so), I am so far away from where I want to be, Posting these photos is allowing me to finally really assess what I look like. No matter what, camera's do not lie. The fat I see in these photo's is very real, no figment of my imagination. And it is not worth it.

I will restrict, I will be skinny.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Bad Diets and Doctors

UGH had such a fat few days.

Was massively hanging yesterday, like worse than I've been in a long time. So obviously my natural reaction was to eat half the world.

I didn't actually log my calories, think it may have made me cry. But it was bad. Subway, Pizza Hut, Ben and Jerrys. Horrificness.

Then I was at work today and it was just a nightmare. My eating always gets screwed up on days I'm working, but today was just like D: Up til lunch I was okay, like more than usual cos I had to go to the docs (explain in a min) and then I had to eat a full meal to take this tablet they gave me, then I had snacks in work cos I couldn't eat til super late, so Pombears and Mini Eggs seemed the way forward :/ Then just to top it off, McDonalds on the way home! Eeeeek. Gonna stop myself from ruining another day by carrying on now though.
Tomorrow will be bad as well, I'm staying at my sisters, and she's said we'll get a take-away or something :/ wah wahhhh.

But yeah so the doctors. I'm not thin enough for it to worry me when I go, I'm not at risk or anything, and I really had to go for the morning after pill :/ I'm such a hoebag, we went out to cheer me up (from the whole breaking up with the most perfect boyfriend ever thing) and I ended up totally randomly seeing the guy from the union on wednesday! Such bizarreness.
Anyway, long story short, we ended up getting it on and I was stupid cos I was drunk and didn't make him use anything, and of course everyone knows guys don't give a shit, so I had to go get the morning after pill. And then eat a full meal to make it work properly. And cos I knew I was going into work and wouldn't get a proper meal for a while (and its more effective the sooner you take it) I had to have a proper full-size lunch, rather than just soup or something. Pain in the arse.

Anyway, the point of this story was that I had to get weighed while I was there so that I could go on the Pill, and I was SO nervous about getting on the scale with the nurse in the room - what if my scales had been wrong and I was more than I was expecting and I cried or something? - but it wasn't so bad. I came up as 56.3 kg fully clothed. I work in stones and pounds, so that works out as 124lbs, or 8 stone 12. Which is only a pound more than I come in at on my scales. So it was okay, specially after I ate so much yesterday, I wasn't expecting great things.

So scared I'm going to go back over 9 stone (126) again, all I've wanted for as long as I can remember is to be under 9 stone. Hopefully I will just get further and further away from it, in the right direction.

Love and light thoughts

Monday, 28 January 2013

' "I wish I hadn't cried so much"...

...said Alice as she swam about, trying to find her way out. "I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears!" ' 

My eyes are stinging so badly.

Me and my boyfriend broke up. I don't even know what to do with myself. He's applying to move to Australia. He said I was the only thing holding him in England. I couldn't let that be the reason he'd resent me for the rest of our lives, especially when I'm such a horrible girlfriend.

I know every girl must say this after a break-up, but I seriously don't think I could ever get anyone better than him. Even all my housemates called him the perfect boyfriend.

My eatings spiralling like crazy, I'm constantly torn between wanting to eat everything in the world, and never wanting to eat again.

I want to be sick.

Thursday, 24 January 2013

Whoring It Up

I am a terrible human being. I seriously don't know why my boyfriend puts up with me.

At the Student Union last night I kissed another guy. If I was single I would have been happy - he was totally hot - but I am not single. I am very happy with my boyfriend. Ugh. Messy mess mess. I don't even understand how it happened, I told him about my bf and everything, but then I had too many drinks, and I kissed him. That I cannot deny, it was me that kissed him first. Only intended to be short and sweet, but then he pulled me back in and I couldn't resist. He was a good kisser, tall, muscular, with a strong jaw and a cheeky chappy grin; even gave me his jacket when we got outside and it was snowing. Any other time I would have counted myself lucky, but I was racked with guilt.

Then my friend yelled at me, judging me, and I panicked and ran away by myself. Drunk and alone in the snowy early hours. I was a victim waiting to happen. I have a bright red hooded coat, its very distinctive and boys kept stopping and asking me if I was okay, telling me to come with them. Some were genuinely nice, some were awfully sleazy. They asked me where I lived, and for some reason I lied and said I didn't know. I cried. Then cheeky chappy found me again, said he was sorry he was the reason I wasn't with my friends, didn't even try and kiss me again. I called another (sober, male) friend and he came and picked me up, let me stay at his.

When I woke this morning I didn't know what to do. I spoke to my friends and eventually we decided, I had to tell him. I'd go crazy otherwise.

So I waited til he got home from work and called him. He was mad. More so then I'd ever known him to be. He said I didn't care about him, that he didn't trust me. I cried some more.

Eventually we talked it through a bit more, he said he still loved me, I said I was scared to hurt him again. We're still together. He's coming to see me at uni tomorrow, to stay the weekend. I'm a walking catastrophe.

All this mess for two moments of strong lips on mine, arms around my waist. I'm a whore. There is no other way to describe me. Yet for some reason my boyfriend still loves me.

By no stretch of the imagination do I deserve that boy.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013


I really don't know why I do this to myself.

Been keeping my eating quite light for a while now, then today I decide to eat enough carbs to power an entire army.

Wholemeal Bagel plus sunflower spread - 258 cal
Houmous Sandwich on campus - 300 cal
Kitkat as a treat after an assessment - 234 cal
Stuffed Butternut Squash - 435 cal

Thats like a total of 1,227 cal. Oink Oink.

I feel so bloated its untrue.

And of course its tonight that I'm going on a night out, so I'll look shit, plus have all those millions of calories from alcohol. FUCK'S SAKE.

Such a disaster.

And I bought these beautiful new shorts to wear :/ What to do, what to do.

Wish I could purge.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Do Scales Lie?

I know everyone says the number on the scale doesn't lie, and for the most part I agree with this.


My weight is much lower than I'm used to, and it's confusing me.
Last night I checked and was 124, then just now I was 123. I'm happy its going down, but I'm not sure whether its messing up, cos like two days ago I was 126 and had been bobbing around that number for a while, and I've been having like 1000 calories a day or something like that, not including the ridiculous amount of juice I drink. Its making me worried that it's about to shoot back up again and then I'll be sad.

I bought some new clothes though, all in a size 8 which is good, cos I'm usually a 10. One was this body top from primani which is meant to look like ribs and the skeleton. I like it, it reminds me of what I'm aiming for. (not to become a skeleton, but to cut through all the fat on top of it and leave just the barest minimum).
I am now kind of between sizes though, which is sort of irritating. I'm addicted to online shopping, and I've had to stop, cos I need to try everything on all the time now to make sure its the right size :S
Does mean theres less of a size gap between me and me super-skinny beautiful housemate (she varies from 6-10)
Much as I love her, she can be a pain in the ass to live with, literally all of our male friends refer to her as 'the fit one'. Sigh. She is gorgeous though, I guess it's not her fault.

Trying to get into vegan cooking more as well, to reduce the amount of cheese and stuff I eat, I bought a couple of vegan cookbooks, and ones really good. It's called Appetite For Reduction and its all vegan low-fat recipes, that includes calories, fat, vitamins and all that alongside the recipe so I don't need to work it out, unless I know I've had more/less than the recommended portion. The other ones not so great, The Asian Vegan Kitchen. The recipes sound good but its all so fatty! Like oil everywhere! Nightmare. May have to try and adjust them slightly!

Love and light thoughts

Sunday, 20 January 2013

Getting Back On Track


Currently weighing in at a solid 126. Thats not too awful I guess. I'm nearly under 9 stone, which has been my aim in life for like ever.

Two of my friends have told me I've lost a lot of weight recently which makes me happy.

Nearly died when I was out last night though, some guy literally picked my up and started carrying me away across the club! Major panic, as if a guy is lifting me up in front of loads of people!! He seemed quite strong though and didn't comment on me being heavy or whatever which is good I guess.

One of my housemates got really pissy with me as well. She's a bit larger, and has been having a 'dry spell' which she decided to solve my texting this guy asking him to come over, even though we all know he's like in love with her and she's so not into it. Then she decided to yell at me for telling her off about it, because apparently I don't understand how lonely it is because I can get any guy that I want. Yeah right. Was pretty upset tbh.

But we've been fine today, so it's all good I guess.

Me and the BF have decided to go on holiday together this year for the first time, so of course major stress about bikini's! I'm hoping to be in the region of 112 by then, but more realistically likely to be aiming for 120. But then again, I do have like eight months to work on it. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Love and Light Thoughts.

Thursday, 17 January 2013

Damage Control

Ugh, hangovers are just the worst.

Drank (and ate) far too much last night.

Weighed myself this morning and I was 128 fully dressed, which is a bit more then I've been weighing in currently, but could be a lot worse.

I've worn my tightest jeans today as a reminder not to let myself gain anymore.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013


I'm a drunken mess right now.

God I was doing so well, then I got drunk and started eating.

I feel disgusted.

I tried to purge, but as per, I'm a pathetic failure, and even with my fingers right down my throat nothing happened.


I wish I could be good at this, but i'm not, just like everything else i'm not good at, i can't even starve myself well. From tomorrow, it will be different. From tomorrow, I will be worthy of the title 'anorexic'. For now I'm far too fat. I can feel chips and mayo congealing inside of me, like some kind of disease, but I can't for the life of me purge it. I stuck my fingers right down my throat and waggled, and nothing.

Any tips?

Any good purgers out there who can show me the way?

Love and light thoughts


Friday, 11 January 2013

Finally Getting Some Scales!

Been a couple of days since I posted, so thought I'd update.

Nothing to report really, except having been on puppy watch for my dads new adorable chocolate lap, Poppy. She's truly gorgeous (even if she does keep trying to chew everything in sight).

Spent the night planning my Cambodia trip. Worked out I only get 6 full days of freetime which should be fun trying to squeeze in everything I want to do! Eek.

I finally got access to a scale today (at my dads house). It's a bit dodgy though. When i first did it, it said I was only 118lbs, which I knew was too good to be true (I struggle atm to get under 126!) then I remembered my stepmum said something about it working best if you stand on it in the shower (obviously not while its on). That put me at 130. Not horrific considering all the crap I've been eating. But still massively too much. And I didn't exactly help matters today, by having a chinese and the most ridiculous amount of chocolate ever. I'm debating writing the day off and scoffing the last of my chocolate so it won't be a temptation for tomorrow. Then again I'm meant to be having another chinese with my BF. Hmm. Decisions decisions.

I'm in a much calmer mood lately than I have been, which is good.

I think I'm going to post a 'before' pic soon, to motivate me to get to the 'after'. Unsure, though. I shall debate and let you know when I've actually reached a decision.

Love and light thoughts

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Angry, Angry and Weak

So excessively angry right now. And I know I'm being pathetic.

I also apologise for my language.

This girl who I was really close friends with in college and then totally turned on me and became a total two-faced whorey bitch has the onesie I want. I understand this is totally an over-reaction but it just makes me want to scratch her face, and because I can't, scratch myself until some of the anger is gone.
I'm not a self-harmer. I am writing this to prevent myself from doing it. That would be bad.

And she's got really fucking skinny.

I'm so angry I want to be sick.

I was feeling okay today, even allowed myself some chocolate. Now I just want to vom it all back up again, but I can't because I've never been able to purge.

I am letting myself become this disgusting fat mess while she is skinnying it up in my hedgehog onesie.

One day I will be so skinny that no-one will be skinnier than me, I 'll be able to laugh at them all in their fatness.

I need to restrict and I need to detox. Now.

Monday, 7 January 2013

Stupid Girls

Love to anyone affected by the #CutForBieber trend. I'm not a cutter myself but I can see why it would be upsetting.

Twitter makes me angry sometimes, I got really angry at some girl I've literally never spoken to or met today. I was on twitter, and one of the promoted trends was that special K thing #IWantToGain. I was flicking through it, and some girl had tweeted saying she wanted to gain self-confidence cos she has none. Understandable. But then I went to her actual page, and it was FULL of pictures of herself half-naked. Her little display picture thing showed her wearing these teeny tiny knicker shorts with bare legs, like right up to her arse, then her header photo had a picture of literally just her bare stomach.
Oh yeah, you really know what it feels like to have no confidence.

Girls like that make me really angry.

Anyways, rant over. Or that rant is over, I guess.

I said last time that I would fill you in on the night I think I broke my toe. My friend got attacked not long ago. She says some guy tried to rape her in an alleyway. I want to believe that no-one would lie about something like that, but then she always exaggerates anything that ever happens, so I can't help but be skeptical. I've offered to go see her numerous times, offered to talk to her whenever she wants and so on. Yet when we were out, she told me that I had been inconsiderate towards her and "if" i'd ever been attacked I'd understand how she felt.
That really upset me, as, while she doesn't know the full extent, I have told her some details about when I was raped. It made me so so angry that even though surely she should know how I felt, she basically said she didn't believe me. Then when I tried to tell her the full story, she just kept going on about how I didn't care about her. I almost regret trying to tell anyone ever. The grand total of people who really know is know somewhere around 5, whereas she is quite literally tweeting about it. Sickening right?
I hate that I'm not believed because I daren't talk to anyone about it, whereas she gets attention constantly and people are always walking on egg-shells around her. I feel like I'm invisible sometimes, like I just want to stand up and shout SHE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE GUYS.

But of course I don't.

So I guess it's my own fault I feel so alone in this.

In other news, today has been pretty good calorie wise. Somewhere in the region of 500 net calories, 700 or so actual. Thought tea was going to be my problem area as it normally is, but my stepdad made some awful concoction that my mum knew I didn't like so I was allowed to get away with not eating it.

Love as ever

Sunday, 6 January 2013


Cannot wait to get back to uni!
Like I'll miss being at home, and getting my washing done for me and everything, but I really just want to start being in control of my diet again.

When I get back I'm detoxing for at least a week, just fresh fruit and veg, water and green tea. My friends freaked when I mentioned this (apparently its for too long or something?) so I may have to keep it a little quieter.

When I went out the other night my friends all told me that they thought I'd lost weight. I don't think I have really, but at the same time my size 8 skirt that used to be quite tight hangs loose now, so who knows. Can't wait to weigh myself when I get back to uni, no scales at home D: A whole month of eating crap and having know idea how much I've gained, its driving me crazy!

Speaking of the other night, I think I broke my big toe (falling UP the stairs of all things), and I'm almost certain the nail is going to fall off. Anything to do with nails freaks me out, so I'm totally panicking. Fingers crossed it will hold on!

I was thinking the other night, I know that like no-one reads this (or hardly anyone anyways) but it makes me feel nice to know that its out there, just in case someone did want to read it. Hmm.

I should probably go actually work on my extremely late essay now. I'll fill you in on the other night properly tomorrow or something

Love and light thoughts

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Fatty Fatty

Eaten so much today I think I'm going to die.

Got coerced into having a McDonalds for lunch (which I don't like anyway due to my vegetarianism) and then Mum made a whopping great shepherds pie before I could lie and say I was eating out, and gave my such a humungous plateful.

Staying at my boyfriends tonight, and I was hoping to feel all skinny and lovely, instead I'm going to look like a beached whale.


And I'm going out for tea tomorrow night with friends so I'll have to be careful what I order :/ Might research the menu before for calorific info. Eek.

Can't wait to back at uni so I can start my detox - only raw veg, green tea and water for at least a week! So excited for it!

Lots of love bloggers

Tuesday, 1 January 2013


Hola amigos

Hope everyone had a good NYE :)

I don't know if anyone has heard of this thing called FutureMe? You can send emails to yourself in the future, and I send myself one every New Years Eve, basically summing up my thoughts on the year and hopes for the coming one. My one yesterday touched a nerve recently. This time last year, I thought I had fallen out of love with my boyfriend and was trying to figure out what to do, while at the same time I had a huge crush on some guy who ended up being a massive dick. Now that I'm back with boyfriend it was pretty hard to read.

So much can change in a year.

It makes me a little scared to think of the future tbh, who knows what life will be like next NYE? Anything could happen...

But at the same time, thats kind of a nice thought I guess. Just need to remember, that there are no limitations except those you impose on yourself.

Hmm. Enough of being pensieve, I'm off to a get a lovely big roast dinner to wipe off the remains of my wine-head.

Happy New Year!