Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Old Memories

So I was just trawling through some old emails in search of a payslip, and I came across some of my old FutureMe letters. You know the ones where you write them and set a date sometime in the future and the website sends it to you?
I write myself one every New Year.
Anyone, I was rereading one from the beginning of 2011, and one of things I wrote to myself was "do things that would make Dad proud". I don't think I've done that at all.
Between sleeping around, not putting effort in at uni, falling out with so many friends, I don't think my dad would be proud at all. Which is quite sad really. Maybe I should try and do that. I wrote about trying to be honourable, and I think thats a good idea.
I also wrote about true friends being the ones who stick it out. One of the ones I listed, I'm no longer friends with. I guess that tells you something huh?
I feel like I'm in an ever dwindling circle of friends. There are very few people I feel close to anymore, and I'm not so trusting. Not necessarily a bad thing. I think I'm just going to try and lock emotions away into a little box in my head and heart.
It would be for the best. Means I don't get hurt, and no-one else does either. Means no emotional eating. Means more focus on my work.

I'm going to start saving as soon as I can. Save and save, so after uni I can run away.

I can run away and disappear.

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

More Messed-Up-Ness

My relationship with food at the moment is extra weird.
Like I never feel hungry. Ever.
I tend to eat around the time I think I should be hungry, but it's more out of habit than anything.
If I happen to miss the time I would normally eat, a few hours later I'll just come over feeling horrendously ill all of a sudden. At which point I'll eat a little something.
It's strange really.
And I used to drink loads and loads of Ribena (FULL of sugar), but since I came back from Asia, I struggle to drink it as much, it makes my teeth feel disgusting. So I'm drinking way more water.
May as well make the most of it though I guess.
My big fat-ass self could do with missing a few meals here and there.

I was looking at photos to print out yesterday for a photo-frame my mum got me, and I found some from back just before christmas. I was SO much skinnier. And I thought I looked huge then. I was at least half a stone lighter than I am right now. I go back to uni in three weeks. Thats when I'll start being able to restrict properly again. In the meantime, I'll just have to do what I can.

Unsure on current weight, last time I weighed was a few days ago when I was at 133. F A T T Y.

On a side note, this guy that I slept with the other day by some ill-judgement, took me out on a date night before last. I know that I really shouldn't like him. But I think that just makes me like him more. My friends would freak if they knew what I'm doing. Not sure how long I can play the balancing act.
He did make me laugh though, said he was worried about me getting too attached seeing as he's not looking for a relationship. I was just like PLEASE, I am the Queen of non-emotional sex. I move up and down the country every couple of weeks, you get pretty used to breaking of attachments before they really begin.
He snap-chatted me a picture of himself the yesterday, and it just really reminded me how good shape he's in. Like not an ounce of fat. Then you've got Mrs Blobby over here. He kept asking me why I was sort of pulling the cover over me when we slept together. Surely it was obvious that I was hiding all my flab???

Anyways I'm really fucking late, adios!