Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Bad Diets and Doctors

UGH had such a fat few days.

Was massively hanging yesterday, like worse than I've been in a long time. So obviously my natural reaction was to eat half the world.

I didn't actually log my calories, think it may have made me cry. But it was bad. Subway, Pizza Hut, Ben and Jerrys. Horrificness.

Then I was at work today and it was just a nightmare. My eating always gets screwed up on days I'm working, but today was just like D: Up til lunch I was okay, like more than usual cos I had to go to the docs (explain in a min) and then I had to eat a full meal to take this tablet they gave me, then I had snacks in work cos I couldn't eat til super late, so Pombears and Mini Eggs seemed the way forward :/ Then just to top it off, McDonalds on the way home! Eeeeek. Gonna stop myself from ruining another day by carrying on now though.
Tomorrow will be bad as well, I'm staying at my sisters, and she's said we'll get a take-away or something :/ wah wahhhh.

But yeah so the doctors. I'm not thin enough for it to worry me when I go, I'm not at risk or anything, and I really had to go for the morning after pill :/ I'm such a hoebag, we went out to cheer me up (from the whole breaking up with the most perfect boyfriend ever thing) and I ended up totally randomly seeing the guy from the union on wednesday! Such bizarreness.
Anyway, long story short, we ended up getting it on and I was stupid cos I was drunk and didn't make him use anything, and of course everyone knows guys don't give a shit, so I had to go get the morning after pill. And then eat a full meal to make it work properly. And cos I knew I was going into work and wouldn't get a proper meal for a while (and its more effective the sooner you take it) I had to have a proper full-size lunch, rather than just soup or something. Pain in the arse.

Anyway, the point of this story was that I had to get weighed while I was there so that I could go on the Pill, and I was SO nervous about getting on the scale with the nurse in the room - what if my scales had been wrong and I was more than I was expecting and I cried or something? - but it wasn't so bad. I came up as 56.3 kg fully clothed. I work in stones and pounds, so that works out as 124lbs, or 8 stone 12. Which is only a pound more than I come in at on my scales. So it was okay, specially after I ate so much yesterday, I wasn't expecting great things.

So scared I'm going to go back over 9 stone (126) again, all I've wanted for as long as I can remember is to be under 9 stone. Hopefully I will just get further and further away from it, in the right direction.

Love and light thoughts

Monday, 28 January 2013

' "I wish I hadn't cried so much"...

...said Alice as she swam about, trying to find her way out. "I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears!" ' 

My eyes are stinging so badly.

Me and my boyfriend broke up. I don't even know what to do with myself. He's applying to move to Australia. He said I was the only thing holding him in England. I couldn't let that be the reason he'd resent me for the rest of our lives, especially when I'm such a horrible girlfriend.

I know every girl must say this after a break-up, but I seriously don't think I could ever get anyone better than him. Even all my housemates called him the perfect boyfriend.

My eatings spiralling like crazy, I'm constantly torn between wanting to eat everything in the world, and never wanting to eat again.

I want to be sick.

Thursday, 24 January 2013

Whoring It Up

I am a terrible human being. I seriously don't know why my boyfriend puts up with me.

At the Student Union last night I kissed another guy. If I was single I would have been happy - he was totally hot - but I am not single. I am very happy with my boyfriend. Ugh. Messy mess mess. I don't even understand how it happened, I told him about my bf and everything, but then I had too many drinks, and I kissed him. That I cannot deny, it was me that kissed him first. Only intended to be short and sweet, but then he pulled me back in and I couldn't resist. He was a good kisser, tall, muscular, with a strong jaw and a cheeky chappy grin; even gave me his jacket when we got outside and it was snowing. Any other time I would have counted myself lucky, but I was racked with guilt.

Then my friend yelled at me, judging me, and I panicked and ran away by myself. Drunk and alone in the snowy early hours. I was a victim waiting to happen. I have a bright red hooded coat, its very distinctive and boys kept stopping and asking me if I was okay, telling me to come with them. Some were genuinely nice, some were awfully sleazy. They asked me where I lived, and for some reason I lied and said I didn't know. I cried. Then cheeky chappy found me again, said he was sorry he was the reason I wasn't with my friends, didn't even try and kiss me again. I called another (sober, male) friend and he came and picked me up, let me stay at his.

When I woke this morning I didn't know what to do. I spoke to my friends and eventually we decided, I had to tell him. I'd go crazy otherwise.

So I waited til he got home from work and called him. He was mad. More so then I'd ever known him to be. He said I didn't care about him, that he didn't trust me. I cried some more.

Eventually we talked it through a bit more, he said he still loved me, I said I was scared to hurt him again. We're still together. He's coming to see me at uni tomorrow, to stay the weekend. I'm a walking catastrophe.

All this mess for two moments of strong lips on mine, arms around my waist. I'm a whore. There is no other way to describe me. Yet for some reason my boyfriend still loves me.

By no stretch of the imagination do I deserve that boy.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013


I really don't know why I do this to myself.

Been keeping my eating quite light for a while now, then today I decide to eat enough carbs to power an entire army.

Wholemeal Bagel plus sunflower spread - 258 cal
Houmous Sandwich on campus - 300 cal
Kitkat as a treat after an assessment - 234 cal
Stuffed Butternut Squash - 435 cal

Thats like a total of 1,227 cal. Oink Oink.

I feel so bloated its untrue.

And of course its tonight that I'm going on a night out, so I'll look shit, plus have all those millions of calories from alcohol. FUCK'S SAKE.

Such a disaster.

And I bought these beautiful new shorts to wear :/ What to do, what to do.

Wish I could purge.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Do Scales Lie?

I know everyone says the number on the scale doesn't lie, and for the most part I agree with this.


My weight is much lower than I'm used to, and it's confusing me.
Last night I checked and was 124, then just now I was 123. I'm happy its going down, but I'm not sure whether its messing up, cos like two days ago I was 126 and had been bobbing around that number for a while, and I've been having like 1000 calories a day or something like that, not including the ridiculous amount of juice I drink. Its making me worried that it's about to shoot back up again and then I'll be sad.

I bought some new clothes though, all in a size 8 which is good, cos I'm usually a 10. One was this body top from primani which is meant to look like ribs and the skeleton. I like it, it reminds me of what I'm aiming for. (not to become a skeleton, but to cut through all the fat on top of it and leave just the barest minimum).
I am now kind of between sizes though, which is sort of irritating. I'm addicted to online shopping, and I've had to stop, cos I need to try everything on all the time now to make sure its the right size :S
Does mean theres less of a size gap between me and me super-skinny beautiful housemate (she varies from 6-10)
Much as I love her, she can be a pain in the ass to live with, literally all of our male friends refer to her as 'the fit one'. Sigh. She is gorgeous though, I guess it's not her fault.

Trying to get into vegan cooking more as well, to reduce the amount of cheese and stuff I eat, I bought a couple of vegan cookbooks, and ones really good. It's called Appetite For Reduction and its all vegan low-fat recipes, that includes calories, fat, vitamins and all that alongside the recipe so I don't need to work it out, unless I know I've had more/less than the recommended portion. The other ones not so great, The Asian Vegan Kitchen. The recipes sound good but its all so fatty! Like oil everywhere! Nightmare. May have to try and adjust them slightly!

Love and light thoughts

Sunday, 20 January 2013

Getting Back On Track


Currently weighing in at a solid 126. Thats not too awful I guess. I'm nearly under 9 stone, which has been my aim in life for like ever.

Two of my friends have told me I've lost a lot of weight recently which makes me happy.

Nearly died when I was out last night though, some guy literally picked my up and started carrying me away across the club! Major panic, as if a guy is lifting me up in front of loads of people!! He seemed quite strong though and didn't comment on me being heavy or whatever which is good I guess.

One of my housemates got really pissy with me as well. She's a bit larger, and has been having a 'dry spell' which she decided to solve my texting this guy asking him to come over, even though we all know he's like in love with her and she's so not into it. Then she decided to yell at me for telling her off about it, because apparently I don't understand how lonely it is because I can get any guy that I want. Yeah right. Was pretty upset tbh.

But we've been fine today, so it's all good I guess.

Me and the BF have decided to go on holiday together this year for the first time, so of course major stress about bikini's! I'm hoping to be in the region of 112 by then, but more realistically likely to be aiming for 120. But then again, I do have like eight months to work on it. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Love and Light Thoughts.

Thursday, 17 January 2013

Damage Control

Ugh, hangovers are just the worst.

Drank (and ate) far too much last night.

Weighed myself this morning and I was 128 fully dressed, which is a bit more then I've been weighing in currently, but could be a lot worse.

I've worn my tightest jeans today as a reminder not to let myself gain anymore.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013


I'm a drunken mess right now.

God I was doing so well, then I got drunk and started eating.

I feel disgusted.

I tried to purge, but as per, I'm a pathetic failure, and even with my fingers right down my throat nothing happened.


I wish I could be good at this, but i'm not, just like everything else i'm not good at, i can't even starve myself well. From tomorrow, it will be different. From tomorrow, I will be worthy of the title 'anorexic'. For now I'm far too fat. I can feel chips and mayo congealing inside of me, like some kind of disease, but I can't for the life of me purge it. I stuck my fingers right down my throat and waggled, and nothing.

Any tips?

Any good purgers out there who can show me the way?

Love and light thoughts


Friday, 11 January 2013

Finally Getting Some Scales!

Been a couple of days since I posted, so thought I'd update.

Nothing to report really, except having been on puppy watch for my dads new adorable chocolate lap, Poppy. She's truly gorgeous (even if she does keep trying to chew everything in sight).

Spent the night planning my Cambodia trip. Worked out I only get 6 full days of freetime which should be fun trying to squeeze in everything I want to do! Eek.

I finally got access to a scale today (at my dads house). It's a bit dodgy though. When i first did it, it said I was only 118lbs, which I knew was too good to be true (I struggle atm to get under 126!) then I remembered my stepmum said something about it working best if you stand on it in the shower (obviously not while its on). That put me at 130. Not horrific considering all the crap I've been eating. But still massively too much. And I didn't exactly help matters today, by having a chinese and the most ridiculous amount of chocolate ever. I'm debating writing the day off and scoffing the last of my chocolate so it won't be a temptation for tomorrow. Then again I'm meant to be having another chinese with my BF. Hmm. Decisions decisions.

I'm in a much calmer mood lately than I have been, which is good.

I think I'm going to post a 'before' pic soon, to motivate me to get to the 'after'. Unsure, though. I shall debate and let you know when I've actually reached a decision.

Love and light thoughts

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Angry, Angry and Weak

So excessively angry right now. And I know I'm being pathetic.

I also apologise for my language.

This girl who I was really close friends with in college and then totally turned on me and became a total two-faced whorey bitch has the onesie I want. I understand this is totally an over-reaction but it just makes me want to scratch her face, and because I can't, scratch myself until some of the anger is gone.
I'm not a self-harmer. I am writing this to prevent myself from doing it. That would be bad.

And she's got really fucking skinny.

I'm so angry I want to be sick.

I was feeling okay today, even allowed myself some chocolate. Now I just want to vom it all back up again, but I can't because I've never been able to purge.

I am letting myself become this disgusting fat mess while she is skinnying it up in my hedgehog onesie.

One day I will be so skinny that no-one will be skinnier than me, I 'll be able to laugh at them all in their fatness.

I need to restrict and I need to detox. Now.

Monday, 7 January 2013

Stupid Girls

Love to anyone affected by the #CutForBieber trend. I'm not a cutter myself but I can see why it would be upsetting.

Twitter makes me angry sometimes, I got really angry at some girl I've literally never spoken to or met today. I was on twitter, and one of the promoted trends was that special K thing #IWantToGain. I was flicking through it, and some girl had tweeted saying she wanted to gain self-confidence cos she has none. Understandable. But then I went to her actual page, and it was FULL of pictures of herself half-naked. Her little display picture thing showed her wearing these teeny tiny knicker shorts with bare legs, like right up to her arse, then her header photo had a picture of literally just her bare stomach.
Oh yeah, you really know what it feels like to have no confidence.

Girls like that make me really angry.

Anyways, rant over. Or that rant is over, I guess.

I said last time that I would fill you in on the night I think I broke my toe. My friend got attacked not long ago. She says some guy tried to rape her in an alleyway. I want to believe that no-one would lie about something like that, but then she always exaggerates anything that ever happens, so I can't help but be skeptical. I've offered to go see her numerous times, offered to talk to her whenever she wants and so on. Yet when we were out, she told me that I had been inconsiderate towards her and "if" i'd ever been attacked I'd understand how she felt.
That really upset me, as, while she doesn't know the full extent, I have told her some details about when I was raped. It made me so so angry that even though surely she should know how I felt, she basically said she didn't believe me. Then when I tried to tell her the full story, she just kept going on about how I didn't care about her. I almost regret trying to tell anyone ever. The grand total of people who really know is know somewhere around 5, whereas she is quite literally tweeting about it. Sickening right?
I hate that I'm not believed because I daren't talk to anyone about it, whereas she gets attention constantly and people are always walking on egg-shells around her. I feel like I'm invisible sometimes, like I just want to stand up and shout SHE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE GUYS.

But of course I don't.

So I guess it's my own fault I feel so alone in this.

In other news, today has been pretty good calorie wise. Somewhere in the region of 500 net calories, 700 or so actual. Thought tea was going to be my problem area as it normally is, but my stepdad made some awful concoction that my mum knew I didn't like so I was allowed to get away with not eating it.

Love as ever

Sunday, 6 January 2013


Cannot wait to get back to uni!
Like I'll miss being at home, and getting my washing done for me and everything, but I really just want to start being in control of my diet again.

When I get back I'm detoxing for at least a week, just fresh fruit and veg, water and green tea. My friends freaked when I mentioned this (apparently its for too long or something?) so I may have to keep it a little quieter.

When I went out the other night my friends all told me that they thought I'd lost weight. I don't think I have really, but at the same time my size 8 skirt that used to be quite tight hangs loose now, so who knows. Can't wait to weigh myself when I get back to uni, no scales at home D: A whole month of eating crap and having know idea how much I've gained, its driving me crazy!

Speaking of the other night, I think I broke my big toe (falling UP the stairs of all things), and I'm almost certain the nail is going to fall off. Anything to do with nails freaks me out, so I'm totally panicking. Fingers crossed it will hold on!

I was thinking the other night, I know that like no-one reads this (or hardly anyone anyways) but it makes me feel nice to know that its out there, just in case someone did want to read it. Hmm.

I should probably go actually work on my extremely late essay now. I'll fill you in on the other night properly tomorrow or something

Love and light thoughts

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Fatty Fatty

Eaten so much today I think I'm going to die.

Got coerced into having a McDonalds for lunch (which I don't like anyway due to my vegetarianism) and then Mum made a whopping great shepherds pie before I could lie and say I was eating out, and gave my such a humungous plateful.

Staying at my boyfriends tonight, and I was hoping to feel all skinny and lovely, instead I'm going to look like a beached whale.


And I'm going out for tea tomorrow night with friends so I'll have to be careful what I order :/ Might research the menu before for calorific info. Eek.

Can't wait to back at uni so I can start my detox - only raw veg, green tea and water for at least a week! So excited for it!

Lots of love bloggers

Tuesday, 1 January 2013


Hola amigos

Hope everyone had a good NYE :)

I don't know if anyone has heard of this thing called FutureMe? You can send emails to yourself in the future, and I send myself one every New Years Eve, basically summing up my thoughts on the year and hopes for the coming one. My one yesterday touched a nerve recently. This time last year, I thought I had fallen out of love with my boyfriend and was trying to figure out what to do, while at the same time I had a huge crush on some guy who ended up being a massive dick. Now that I'm back with boyfriend it was pretty hard to read.

So much can change in a year.

It makes me a little scared to think of the future tbh, who knows what life will be like next NYE? Anything could happen...

But at the same time, thats kind of a nice thought I guess. Just need to remember, that there are no limitations except those you impose on yourself.

Hmm. Enough of being pensieve, I'm off to a get a lovely big roast dinner to wipe off the remains of my wine-head.

Happy New Year!