Thursday, 28 March 2013

Coming Home

So I've not posted in a couple of days, I'm sorry.

I've been too embarressed to really.

I've been eating so so so much its ridiculous. I haven't even been tracking calories because I know it'll just depress me. Its just impossible at home, I can't control what I have for tea, my mum keeps buying me snacks that I love but are just so fatty (like humous). Then I have to eat them because otherwise I get funny looks that say 'why aren't you eating?'

My dad already thinks I'm too skinny even though I'm so not so he keeps force-feeding me shit. I feel like I've gone wild and just can't control what enters my mouth anymore, even when I'm alone I'm just eating eating eating constantly. UGH.

Progressively managed to make my life even more awkward in the four days I've been home.
I very nearly slept with a guy I've known since college, we're always friendly but its never gone past a little harmless flirting, which was good. Then on Tuesday night (student night in my town), it changed. He kissed me, and I didn't stop him. And then we carried on kissing. And instead of getting a taxi home with my friends, I went back to his. We didn't have sex, but other stuff happened.

And the real cincher? I slept with his brother two years ago. My life is a MESS.

So anyway, now I have no idea whats happening with that. We've not spoken since, but we don't speak all that regularly anyway. I do have his hoodie that I need to give him back though. And a bracelet, but I'm keeping that.

I really hope it doesn't make life awkward. Everyone said the next day that they had all been waiting for this to happen for ages, but I don't think so. I mean, yeah we flirt and we've had a few almost-kisses in the past, but that doesn't necessarily mean it was always going to happen. I'm so confused.

And there was me thinking coming home would make life so much simpler.

Ho hum.

Monday, 25 March 2013

Toyko I Think We Got A Problem

So don't you just hate it when things don't turn out how you expect them too?

I'm so irritated tonight its untrue.
Me and this girl I used to be really close with fell out over last summer, but we still have the same friendship group.
I've really been making an effort to not make life awkward, so I invited her out with us all tomorrow, as our 'big reunion' now that we're all home for easter.
Then I found out she later organised for them all to see each other tonight, so now the only person who hasn't seen anyone yet is me.

I'm really upset.

I tried to explain to my mum but she just told me not to let it get to me.

I hate that I'm always the one making the effort ever.

And I've been eating like a fat shit recently, so I'm going to look crap as hell tomorrow night.

Oh and guess what? She's decided to wear an almost identical outfit to me apparently. I've been toying with the idea of changing, but I think I should stick to my guns. Bit worried I'm going to look chubbs though.

Fucks sake. Why can nothing just go right anymore?

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Tell Me Everything Is Going To Be Alright

So todays calorie intake was much better. Under 1000. Not including my juice, but I never do.

Its not amazing, but its getting back on track. And today was a finishing off essays day, which is when I normally 'treat' myself to some junk food.

I don't think I'm going to be too great tomorrow, lunch with my sister, tea at my uncles, then we always get ice cream at the theatre. But we shall see.

Worst comes to worst, this weekend is crappy, then Monday I get a fresh start.

I'm a little worried though, at home I don't have any scales (unless I'm at my dads which is maybe once a week?) Loads of food not cooked by myself and no scales. It's going to be difficult to say the least.

So tonight/tomorrow morning may be my last weigh-in for a while.

My weight right now is 125. Thats pretty upsetting. Fuuuuck. Although I have had about five glasses of juice in the past two hours, so it could quite literally be water-weight. I damn well hope so. I'll weigh again tomorrow morning and hopefully it will have gone down a little.
Oh wait, actually thats probably the repercussions of that massive load of chocolate I had yesterday. Okay that makes sense then. Stupid fat hoe.

Hmm. I don't really have much else to say, so I'll just sign off. I'll be gone til Sunday evening, so until then,

Love and light thoughts

P.S. Here's my new favourite thinspo:

Wednesday, 20 March 2013


So today could have been wonderful. Soup for lunch, light tea.
Then I ate a whole pack of cadbury fingers. I kid you not, a whole pack. Thats something like 750 calories on its own. Fucks sake.

I was reading my earliest posts on this blog before, a bit of essay procrastination (seriously, who cares that much about the downfall of the roman republic?), and I was ashamed of how bad my eating has become.

I mean I know everyone has ups and downs and all, but I used to average like 500-750 a day, now I'm lucky if I stay under 1250.

I should be ashamed of myself.

I intend to start sorting it out from now on, however I am away from home this weekend, at my uncles. Lots of family, lots of people watching my eating. So I'll just have to do the best I can, then start afresh on Monday. Although that is the start of the Easter holidays, and while I'm DYING to go home, foods going to be a bit iffy. I'll just have to manage best I can.

I just have to keep reminding myself that at the start of this blog I was 131 on a good day. I'm now averaging 123 (unless I've binged a lot recently). Thats almost 10lbs difference. I just need to see how far I've come, and how far I've got still to go.

Kiwi asked me my weight today. I gave him a "something around" kind of answer. If people ask I tend to say about 9 stone (126), even though I'd be so upset if the scales actually said that. Can't have people knowing how carefully I monitor my weight. Specially not hot Kiwi's.
Even though I don't think I'm that into him anymore. Go figure.

The scales actually said 121 when I first got on this morning, but I think that was a fluke. Hmm. I wish. I really wanna hit 120, feel like I've been stuck where I am forever.

Love and light thoughts!

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Brighter Skies Ahead

Sorry for being so fucking depressing yesterday.
Spoke to mother dearest today and am feeling considerably perkier.

Still writing these god awful essays however so my life is still majorly boring.
Although this guy I was kind of seeing/sleeping with way back around this time last year messaged me out of the blue last night. Just generally chatting but it was a bit bizarre to say the least! I knew he'd broken up with his girlfriend (she lives literally next door to me) but I didn't think that'd mean he'd start talking to me ago.
Go figure.

Anyway, food today hasn't been too terrible.
Cereal and yoghurt for brunch (281 cal - it was a little pack thing cos I've got no food in so of course it was tragically calorific, although shan't lie, I really enjoyed it. Is it weird that cereal is a real treat for me?)
4 finger Kitkat in the library (233 cal - I was staaaaaarving and it was either that or a bag of crisps!)
Sausage and veg pasta for tea (unsure, around 600? I had loaaads of pasta but it was quorn sausage, and literally no fat, oil or cheese added, so debateable. My calorie tracker says about 600)
2 Melon slices (30 cal)
1 Jammie Dodger (83 cal)

So overall 1236

Could have been worse. I didn't walk to campus today or anything, but I did lug my laptop around, plus a load of library books, and walked up to the 3rd floor like a billion times. But still, no real exercise again.

I'll get there one day.

Weighed in at 123 again. I can live with that for now.

Now I need to go make a dent in this essay I'm afraid.

Love and light thoughts

Monday, 18 March 2013


Today has been simply awful.

If there was ever a time that I wanted to go to bed and never emerge now would be it.

My housemates being a bitch to me for no reason, my essays are making me majorly stressed, I'm meant to be finding time to think about dissertations, I'm meant to be leaving on Friday and have absolutely no idea when I'm supposed to do any packing at all and to top it all of my sister decided tonight was the night to have a go at me. Oh and I might not be gaining, but I'm definitely not losing either.

I am literally falling apart.

It's got to one of those stages where something is going to have to give.

Last weigh-in was 123, but I think its very high end. I need to get more specific scales.
I had so much chocolate today. I've been binge eating to cope with the stress. Normally I'd fluctuate the other way but I'm spending so much time in the library and its so quiet I don't want my tummy to rumble and have everyone around me just sitting there thinking 'omg what a fat shit, listen to her stomach'.

Today I had a Cadbury shortcake snack bar (210 cals), then a mini cupcake with chocolate icing and a piece of chocolate birthday cake as well. I AM a fat shit.

Yesterday was worse, I had a whole medium dominos to myself, plus a side of potato wedges, plus two mini cupcakes.

I sicken myself.

I feel like I'm spiralling.

Maybe if I do something drastic to make people realise that I'm not coping they'd take me away from life and wrap me up in cotton wool. I don't know what I'd do though. I'm clearly a failure at starving myself as my fat ass body can testify to. I can almost feel the word fat rolling around in my head. FAT, FAT, FAT.

I could never cut, I'd be too scared.

Maybe I should just neck a bottle of pills and down some vodka.
That seems a reasonably painless way to go.

But my family has a nice weekend planned, don't want to fuck that up for them.


Saturday, 16 March 2013

The Problems of Work

So yesterday I was in work for 12 hours. Just wonderful really when I have two essays to write. But the money issue is rather urgent so I couldn't turn it down.

The problem with being at work is that it always screws up my eating, because I just have to eat whatever they give me. I normally try and go to morrisons or something beforehand and pick up some low-cal vegetarian sushi but I didn't have time yesterday, the only things I could find would have been fatty cheese sandwiches. Ugh.

So yeah, it didn't wok out too badly in the end, had a stuffed pepper and some roasted new potatoes. Probably more potatoes than I needed tbh. I had an unfortunate amount of chocolate too, but that was because my energy levels were dipping so badly I thought I was going to drop everything I was holding constantly.

Then when I was on the bar, people kept offering to buy me drinks, so I got pretty hammered while I was working (luckily my boss doesn't mind as long as I can still serve!)

I tried to work out my net calories but it was just impossible. I don't know what the potatoes were cooked in, what type of butter they use, how many calories I burnt. I was on my feet for most of the day, carrying plates and running up and down stairs, so I think I probably came out of it okay, despite the chocolate and stuff.

Then when I got in I was wayyy too tired to eat even though I was hungry so I just went straight to bed.

I am yet to eat today, but I'm not hungry either. I think I might just wait til 5 then have tea as my first meal, and some soup later if I'm hungry.

Anyway, I hope your all okay, sorry I've been so boring lately, but I really need to go start work on this essay, I need to get at least 1,500 words written today and I currently have less than 50. Definitely should not have slept in quite so late!

Love and light thoughts

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Good Days

So there are good days and bad days for everyone I guess.

Today has most definitely been a 'good day'.

I managed to wear the size 6 dress all day without discomfort

My calorie intake has been minimal. Less than 500 according to my calorie counter.

I have found my new saviour. They are Ryvita Cracker Bread's. I think technically you're meant to top them with like soft cheese or something, but I actually quite like them by themselves. I had one for breakfast, then two for lunch with a stick of celery. And they're only 19 cals!

Then tea was admittedly pasta (with butternut squash and courgette and a whole heap of mayo [but the lighter than light one]). I had a regular serving but I was so so stuffed afterwards! I'm hoping this means I'm actually shrinking my stomach a little bit. Fingers crossed eh?

I'm craving pizza a little, but no chocolate cravings which I've been terrible for recently!

I did an exercise dvd this morning too, Jillian Micheals one, it was so so hard! But high impact, so lots of calories burnt there I hope.

Weight was 122 which is wonderfully low for me. That was before I'd eaten anything at all though, so doubt I'll maintain that just yet though, but still its a good sign.

I might have a snack later, maybe a little cous cous or something, nothing too heavy.

This has been a terribly boring post. I do apologise. I'm in essay-writing mode, so everything I say at the moment is very much boring!

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Kiwi's and calories

So I am like majorly freaking out atm.

The Kiwi wants to see me tomorrow. Like he's willing to spend £50 on a train to ticket to come spend the day with me.

I want to see him but I am like full on tubs right now. My bad weekend has caught up with me and I am back at 126 when I just weighed. Fuuuuuck. And I have like a gabillion spots. And its going to be daylight, and I'm going to look rank and he's going to massively regret spending that money.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Plus side: today has been somewhat back on track in regards to my eating.

Breakfast: 1 wholemeal bagel (spread out from 8.30 til 12) = 223 cal
Lunch: Butternut squash and feta salad = 255 cal
Tea: homemade tomato, veg and orzo soup = 234 cal
Snacks: 2 cadbury caramel eggs, small tin of sweetcorn = 450 cal

Daily total = 1,162 cal

Could have been under 1000 if not for the chocolate eggs, but even so I'm quite happy with that.
Hopefully tomorrow will be along the same lines, but I'm not convinced it will be tbh.
Lets see what happens with the Kiwi I guess.

Monday, 11 March 2013

Weekend Summary

So, back from yet another weekend of binge eating. I'm an absolute disaster.

Tbf, it wasn't entirely my fault. Nah thats a load of shit, its totally my own fault.

I stayed at my friends  and actually did really well with the pub, told him I had eaten lunch really late and then just had a baby portion of chips to stop myself from getting too drunk. It worked out quite well, I sat nibbling on chips and wasn't actually jealous of them all with burgers and giant plates of pub food (although I did crave some mushy peas!).

That night out was just a big ol' mess though. I literally don't even know where to start talking about it.
In a nutshell, the main events were:
  • I got chatted up by a very hot rugby player from New Zealand who is in the area working for the year
  • One of my friends friend pulled me over to one side and told me that my talking to said hot guy was upsetting my friend. When I asked why, I was told apparently he likes me. We had this problem back in college and I thought it was sorted like forever ago, but now I don't know what to think.
  • My friend got very drunk and upset about something else entirely and repeatedly left me alone in the club to the point where I got very angry and shouted at him.
  • We ended up leaving early, and I had to comfort him until he basically fell asleep.
In the morning we were back to our usual selves, admittedly with a sheepish apology on his behalf. I literally don't know what to think about what his friend told me. Confusing much.
And my housemate that I would normally talk to about all this stuff is ignoring me, so I don't know what to do at all. Ackkk.

But back to food and shit. So the morning after, we went to a cafe and I was absolutely ravenous so ended up getting a veggie fry-up - not exactly diet food. Then I went out for tea with my sister to TGIFridays and had mozzarella sticks and a veggie burger and fries. I literally could not bear to work out the calories. I looked up the mozzarella sticks and they alone are like 770 cals. D:
So mortifiying. I'm ashamed of having eaten and enjoyed them.

The next day was better, though marginally. I counted calories again and made it about 1600 or so. Not great by any means, but considering we had pizza and garlic bread, plus chocolate pudding, I don't feel too bad about it.

Anyways this has all got a bit rambly. What I actually intended to write about was that I just got two new exercise DVDs through the post, going to try out one tonight I think, I'm quite excited for it! I got 'Clubland: Work It Out' which I think is like dance-y stuff, then 'Jillian Micheals: Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism' which says you can loose up to 5 pounds a week from it. I somehow doubt that, but we shall see I guess!

Need to get my fat ass to work getting skinny if I'm going to see that NZ guy again (my friend has taken to calling him Kiwi so I might just use that) although he did say he thinks I've got a good figure. But it was dark and he was probably drunk, so his judgement was most likely skewed. Or alternatively, all NZ girls are chubbers. But that seems highly unlikely.

I'm sorry this has become some majorly long post, it wasn't meant to be haha.


Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Binging and Tight Pants

Nothing really to report on today tbh.

Was amazing through til just after tea, was super low-cal for me, just over 600 cal, then I stupidly stupidly went to the shop and bought a load of chocolate. ARGH.

Why do I do this to myself?? Such an idiot.

For a chocolate binge it could have been a lot lot worse.
4 rows (20 squares) of Galaxy chocolate (because clearly buying the big bar seemed like a GREAT idea at the time) = 420 cal
4 maryland double chocolate chip cookies = 216 cal.

So 636.

I know thats really really bad considering I'm meant to be restricting, but all in all, it could have been a lot, lot worse.

Might leave weighing myself til tomorrow.

Least the pre-period bloat has gone, which is bizarre really considering I've not actually come on yet. Not complaining though.

I'm going to a party at my friends house on friday for his housemates birthday, and I'm kind of nervous. I've bought these new disco pants to wear which are super super tight and they look quite good as long as I'm not bloated, but I'm really worried that I'm going to randomly be having a fat day (or that we end up going the pub for tea and I give in and order something humungous).
I might just allow myself to have a decent sized lunch so that I can reasonably just tell my friend that I'm not that hungry and only have a childs meal or a salad or something (he's a boy, he won't think about it too much!)
But will I actually have a small meal or will I just end up eating ten tonne of shit?? Eek. Need to get my self-restraint under control. I'm sure it'll be okay. I'll just have to bear in mind that I'm wearing tight pants and a crop top in front of a lot of people that I don't really know, lots of them kind of hot guys.
There is a small part of me going DON'T DO IT, JUST WEAR A FAILSAFE! But I shan't give in!

N.B. my "failsafe's" are dresses/outfits that even when I'm having a fat day and think I look shit in absolutely everything, I logically know that I normally feel quite good in so generally shouldn't feel fat in.

Ack ack ack.

Love and light thoughts!! <3

Tuesday, 5 March 2013


Its a little soon for another post, but I had such a horrible nightmare last night.

I dreamt I was being raped again, though not by the same guy. But this time my sister new what was happening, she was just too scared to do anything. I managed to tell my male friend that I told when it really happened, and he rounded people up to come help. The rapist in the dream was holding my face to his, about to leave, pretending to my sister that we were in love or something, then all these people came crashing through the door. They grabbed him and I was taken away somewhere safer.
Afterwards everyone stayed round me, asking me if I was okay, even guys I barely recognised. But I could tell something was different. The way they looked at me, I wasn't me anymore, I was 'the victim'.

I think thats why I was too scared to tell many people when it actually happened. I couldn't bare to be the victim to everyone. If I don't tell anyone, then everyone thinks I'm still me, still strong, dependable. Maybe thats why I find it so hard to tell everyone why I'm struggling so much at uni.

I'm so pathetic.

On the plus side, weight is back down this morning to 124. Not sure how long that will last, I've not actually eaten yet. Just going to have some fruit and greek yoghurt for lunch and see how it goes while I try and shake off this nightmare.

Monday, 4 March 2013

Possibly Having A Mental Breakdown

So I think I may officially be going crazy.

I am stressed beyond belief and I want to drop out of uni altogether.

I am simply not coping.

I've gained after this horrible weekend of eating. 126. I am back over 9 stone. I shall be restricting like a bitch. That is the only form of control I have left in my life.

I have to meet with my personal tutor soon. I don't know what to tell her. How do you explain in the middle of an office that your life has gone down the shitter and you want to curl up and never face the world again?

I almost want to ask for a counsellor, but I don't know what I'd tell them. According to doctors and BMI and all that shit, I am perfectly healthy. On the outside there is nothing wrong with me.

I am decaying inside. There is something wrong with my as an emotional human being.

All I want is for July to hurry up so I can escape to Cambodia for a month.

Maybe I'll become a cliche and find myself out there.

Maybe I'll never come back.

Friday, 1 March 2013

Pick Pick Pick

Literally cannot stop eating lately. Don't even know whats wrong with me but I'm just like constantly eating something.

Had such a nightmare the other day, went to a friends house (had already eaten a small tea) and started to get hungry while I was there. Normally at that stage I'd go get some fruit and fat-free greek yoghurt, but because I was out, and at a boys house of all places, the only thing I was offered was takeaway chips. And there were like a billion (okay four [one of whom I've slept with twice recently while horrendously drunk]) boys in the room so I didn't want to start whinging about calorie intake, but then I didn't want a rumble-y tummy either, so I ended up eating them D: very upsetting.

Ahhh grossness. I NEED to get this eating situation under control! But then another friend is coming to stay this weekend so it'll be all treaty fatty foods, like pizza and chocolates. And we're getting a Dominoes before we go out tomorrow. Cos THAT will make me look lovely and slim in the fitted dress I'm wearing. Such a nightmare, but I really can't afford to whine about weight atm, I think my friends are all starting to get arsey with me.

Particularly since after doing that quiz thing the other day everyone knows each others weights now.

And I nearly told one of my housemates she looked fat last while I was angry at her (in my defence she was being a total tool). But she's not really that fat. Like by our standards yes, but the rest of the world wouldn't think so. She's like  a size 10/12. Not that much bigger than me.

And I've not lost in forever. I need need need to get myself back on track.


I've already eaten so much today. 2 eggs, 2 quorn sausages, 2 pieces of seeded bread, handful of caramel nibbles, couple of grapes. Tea will be a stirfry.
So much for my hopes of restricting.

I can already feel it in my bones that this will be the week I go back over 125. But then again, I am due on next week, so maybe its only that. Hopefully it is, and after I'll go back to normal. EEK.

Sorry for rambling, I'll be back Monday.

Love and light thoughts <3