Monday, 4 February 2013

Fear and Photos.

Eaten like an absolute monster recently.
After my hangover binge the other day I have literally not stopped eating.

I'm so scared to weigh myself.

I've been better today though, much better (aside from eating like ten million grapes).

Just a small bag of buttons for lunch then some stir-fried quorn steak strips and bell pepper for tea. If I get hungry later on I have celery sticks and low-fat humous to snack on, though I hope I won't need them.

I need to weigh myself, its panicking me not knowing how much I weigh at all. What if i'm back over 9 stone? Is not knowing at all better than knowing?

Might post a photo of where I'm at now. Hopefully it will encourage me to lose more.

I think I feel worse today than usual due to my several day binge eat, and the fact that I slept with the union guy again on saturday night, but this time I was less drunk. He's in such good shape it makes me feel bad. Like super super toned, not an ounce of fat on him. It makes me feel bad in comparison, like what if he decides he can find a slimmer girl instead? Not that I want to date him or anything (obviously I've only just become single again!) but still, I do seriously fancy him and I want him to fancy me back! Such a stupid word, "fancy". And at any rate, he does drugs occassionally which I really hate, so it would never work anyway. Ack ack ack. Confused brain...

Went to a party on friday and very nearly told my housemate about this blog. Which would have been a total disaster of course. It so nearly slipped out, I said to her that I had something to tell her, then she asked if it could wait til after her fag. I said yes, and by the time she had finished it, I had lost the courage again. Which is probably for the best. I couldn't bare it if anyone I actually knew read this.

Just weighed myself, I'm at 8.13 or 125. Thats scarily close to over 9. I'm going to be so careful this week, we're not drinking til the weekend I think so I should hopefully be able to get myself back on track.

Just as a side note, I apologise for these photos being so bad quality, but I felt the need to post them in order to make myself embarressed enough to work harder to be able to get a progress photo. As I am now, though not near my HW (which I am estimating to be somewhere around 140lbs or so), I am so far away from where I want to be, Posting these photos is allowing me to finally really assess what I look like. No matter what, camera's do not lie. The fat I see in these photo's is very real, no figment of my imagination. And it is not worth it.

I will restrict, I will be skinny.

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