Horribleness

Today has been simply awful.

If there was ever a time that I wanted to go to bed and never emerge now would be it.

My housemates being a bitch to me for no reason, my essays are making me majorly stressed, I'm meant to be finding time to think about dissertations, I'm meant to be leaving on Friday and have absolutely no idea when I'm supposed to do any packing at all and to top it all of my sister decided tonight was the night to have a go at me. Oh and I might not be gaining, but I'm definitely not losing either.

I am literally falling apart.

It's got to one of those stages where something is going to have to give.

Last weigh-in was 123, but I think its very high end. I need to get more specific scales.
I had so much chocolate today. I've been binge eating to cope with the stress. Normally I'd fluctuate the other way but I'm spending so much time in the library and its so quiet I don't want my tummy to rumble and have everyone around me just sitting there thinking 'omg what a fat shit, listen to her stomach'.

Today I had a Cadbury shortcake snack bar (210 cals), then a mini cupcake with chocolate icing and a piece of chocolate birthday cake as well. I AM a fat shit.

Yesterday was worse, I had a whole medium dominos to myself, plus a side of potato wedges, plus two mini cupcakes.


I sicken myself.


I feel like I'm spiralling.

Maybe if I do something drastic to make people realise that I'm not coping they'd take me away from life and wrap me up in cotton wool. I don't know what I'd do though. I'm clearly a failure at starving myself as my fat ass body can testify to. I can almost feel the word fat rolling around in my head. FAT, FAT, FAT.

I could never cut, I'd be too scared.

Maybe I should just neck a bottle of pills and down some vodka.
That seems a reasonably painless way to go.

But my family has a nice weekend planned, don't want to fuck that up for them.


Shit.