Monday, 25 February 2013

Disaster Weekend

So yeah, my friend coming did totally fuck up my eating no end. Ate so much fucking chocolate. And I'm going out tomorrow, gonna look like an actual whale. Shit. More on that in a bit.

One of my housemates asked me to do this questionnaire for her coursework on diet and exercise and OH MY GOD I had to write my WEIGHT on the front of it! Distressing no end!! Did mean I got to sneaky find out how much a few of my other housemates weigh though which was interesting. I've guestimated their BMI's too, compared to mine  (cos we're all different heights and shit).

my bmi = 19.3
housemate 1 = 20.8
housemate 2 = 27.7

The ones I was most interested in, however, I didn't see. Upsetting.

But yeah, the quiz itself was just stressful, I had to tick boxes saying how often I felt confident, how emotionally stable I felt, etc etc and loads of people were in the room even though it was meant to be anonymous, and my pen was a different colour so everyone knows which was mine and it had my fucking weight on the front! Made me want to die inside a little bit. Ugh ugh ugh.

And when I weighed myself before the scales said 126. But now its gone back down to 124. So I don't even know how fat to feel.

I'm skipping lunch tomorrow and just going to have a light veggie tea, so hopefully I won't look awfully humungous when we go out. Its like major added stress cos these guys we know are coming to ours to predrink and I slept with one of them fairly recently and everyone keeps making jokes about it, and like I don't fancy him AT ALL but I kind of want him to fancy me if that makes any sense at all, and if I look all shitty his friends are going to be like ugh why on earth did you sleep with HER?! And my super beautiful skinny friend has very very recently become single again and its just stress stress stress.

Don't even know what to do.

And another friend is coming down on Friday, so I have til then to sort out this weekends food disasters before slamming straight back into another. Like seriously, I've been over 1500 cals like everyday since Friday.

And I ate a whole fucking share-size bag of chocolates today.

And my skin is fucking disgust, like all spots everywhere.

What is my life.


Friday, 22 February 2013


Hey darlings,

I don't really have much to update on, but my friend is coming to stay for a couple of days so I thought it would be good to a last check in before I go off the radar til Monday.

I'm a bit worried about how his eating will affect mine, he's one of those guys that can eat and eat and never gain a pound. I'll just have to work on some careful portion control. It sucks because I've been low-carbing as much as possible and theres no way I can get away with giving him just salad or veg for tea which is what I tend to eat, with just like a little spoonful of cous cous or something so it's not too obvious. But then again, I did eat three slices of seeded bread today which is excessive to say the least! Ughhh.

I weighed in this morning at 123 which isn't bad, but I'm convinced all the work I've done to get back on track after my week at home is going to be undone over the next few days... As long as I don't go back over 126 I should be okay.

We've been out drinking a couple of nights this week and people were taking quite a lot of photos. I've not seen them all yet but the ones that were on my camera weren't too horrific. There's quite a few where I look a bit bizarre, for some reason I seem to be losing weight off my shoulders and collarbone rather than anywhere else? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm happy to have such definition to my collarbones atm, but it would be nice to loose a bit off my stomach and thighs! Instead I now have a visibly bony sternum. Mmm, sexy.

I think I've been mentioning calorie intake too much recently as well, one of my friends commented on it the other night, saying I've gone a bit crazy with monitoring what I've eaten. But I have had quite a lot in front of her the last few days, even a chocolate bar, so hopefully she'll ease up on me a little bit (and not get too watch-y).

Have a skinny weekend

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Small Victories

Sorry for being away so long, I left my laptop at uni while I went home for the week.

While there I remembered that my sister has this grey dress that she bought when she was super super skinny. like barely ate and drank loads all the time. she was teeny tiny. I have never come close to fitting in it. A couple of days ago I decided to see how far off I was, and it fit perfectly! If anything it was a tiny bit big! Fucking amazing. Too happy about that.

I also tried on my prom dress that was altered to my exact size for my year 11 prom about four years ago. Massively too big.

And I fit into a size 6 dress. Admittedly it is tight, and I could probably have done with an 8 (it was in the sale for £5 and the only size left) but the fact remains that I physically fit into a size 6, enough to actually wear it.

Apparently even when you don't see change it is happening.

My Dad was super arsey with me all week though, he's convinced I've lost too much weight and need to put some back on. As if thats going to happen, why would I intentionally gain weight??

And anyway, I DID put weight on being at home, as per usual! I'm back at 125 which I really can't seem to get away from :/ Too many big meals that I have to eat in front of people, then between my mum, dad, stepmum, friends and ex all being on my back about not eating enough, leaving a lot of food wasn't really an option.

I think I'm going to detox/do the Dukan Diet for a while and hopefully that will get my down to around 120 (which would be my new LW).

Hope everyones okay


Monday, 11 February 2013

Haircuts and Home

Been an odd week.

Totally overeaten everything that I possibly could have.

Even had chinese takeaway last night (in celebration of the chinese new year). Intended to eat a half-portion, as per, instead got carried away and ate the whole container of Udon noodles in one sitting. They were good but jesus, calories or what.

Haven't weighed yet. Little scared too.

Debating getting my hair cut again. Its like a long bob at the moment, but I'm thinking of getting it done like this:

Decisions decisions.

Will shorter hair make my face look fat?

I'm too excited to go home tomorrow. Its going to fuck my eating up no end, but I'm desperate to see my mum and dad, and get away from uni for a while.
Its so weird with my dad, like I don't really see him all that much, but every now and again I get really strong pangs of missing him. Now is one of those times. I just want a cuddle and to be able to sit and watch some history programme without him asking me a million questions. I love my mum to pieces but sometimes she makes me talk about things I just don't want to yet.
This time tomorrow I'll be home.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

If Only I Had An Enemy Bigger Than My Apathy

I'm so listless at the moment.

I hate doing nothing but theres nothing I want to do. I spend my time missing lectures and sitting in the house bored out of my skull.

I just want to go to bed and sleep forever.

I think my mums worried about me. She's offered to pay for me to reinstate my gym membership which is like £75, just to give me something to do.

I don't understand why I feel like this. Emotions just seem to evade me.

I guess this is the post-break-up reaction, it just hit a little late. I was upset for like a day, then I seriously thought I was okay. I was even a little worried about how okay I was. But now... I just don't know. I don't feel like me.

Nothing seems important anymore.

I'm eating between 750 and 1000 calories a day, slightly more yesterday, my housemate bought me a kitkat as a treat, then sat watching me eat it, so I didn't get much of a choice really, and I'd already slurged and had 3 pieces of fudge which was a bit of a nightmare. I'm eating super healthy at mealtimes though; mainly soup, veg and tofu, although again yesterday I had a load of cous cous as well.

Could definitely be worse.

Weighed in at 123 again this morning, but thats on no food at all, just a mug of juice. I'll weigh again before bed and see if its changed at all.

Monday, 4 February 2013

Fear and Photos.

Eaten like an absolute monster recently.
After my hangover binge the other day I have literally not stopped eating.

I'm so scared to weigh myself.

I've been better today though, much better (aside from eating like ten million grapes).

Just a small bag of buttons for lunch then some stir-fried quorn steak strips and bell pepper for tea. If I get hungry later on I have celery sticks and low-fat humous to snack on, though I hope I won't need them.

I need to weigh myself, its panicking me not knowing how much I weigh at all. What if i'm back over 9 stone? Is not knowing at all better than knowing?

Might post a photo of where I'm at now. Hopefully it will encourage me to lose more.

I think I feel worse today than usual due to my several day binge eat, and the fact that I slept with the union guy again on saturday night, but this time I was less drunk. He's in such good shape it makes me feel bad. Like super super toned, not an ounce of fat on him. It makes me feel bad in comparison, like what if he decides he can find a slimmer girl instead? Not that I want to date him or anything (obviously I've only just become single again!) but still, I do seriously fancy him and I want him to fancy me back! Such a stupid word, "fancy". And at any rate, he does drugs occassionally which I really hate, so it would never work anyway. Ack ack ack. Confused brain...

Went to a party on friday and very nearly told my housemate about this blog. Which would have been a total disaster of course. It so nearly slipped out, I said to her that I had something to tell her, then she asked if it could wait til after her fag. I said yes, and by the time she had finished it, I had lost the courage again. Which is probably for the best. I couldn't bare it if anyone I actually knew read this.

Just weighed myself, I'm at 8.13 or 125. Thats scarily close to over 9. I'm going to be so careful this week, we're not drinking til the weekend I think so I should hopefully be able to get myself back on track.

Just as a side note, I apologise for these photos being so bad quality, but I felt the need to post them in order to make myself embarressed enough to work harder to be able to get a progress photo. As I am now, though not near my HW (which I am estimating to be somewhere around 140lbs or so), I am so far away from where I want to be, Posting these photos is allowing me to finally really assess what I look like. No matter what, camera's do not lie. The fat I see in these photo's is very real, no figment of my imagination. And it is not worth it.

I will restrict, I will be skinny.