God Damn Cravings...

Well I was right. This weekend was an absolute disaster as far as food was concerned.
In the three days I was away I ate two and a half brownies, two scoops of ice cream, chips, pastry and three slices of white bread. Oh and a panini on sourdough bread (does that count as white? unsure...) As a result I'm craving chocolate and sugar more than ever.
That went fucking well didn't it.

I weighed this morning (seeing as its also a jab day, its my little treat) and I was at 129 still. So basically, I haven't gained, but all the good I did in the first few days last week was totally undone by the weekend. Sigh.

I guess it evens out or something. I'm just desperate to be back under 125. I feel so fat alllll the time.
And I REALLY want chocolate.
Debating have some as a treat in friday after my last exam. But then another part of me is totally adamant that I need to be really really extra good for my last 2 weeks before I weigh again, I can't see the number on the scale go up any higher, I just can't.

Yesterday my calorie intake was a little over 1000, which is acceptable. Same for so far today, but I'll probably have a snack later to push me through revision. Its kind of a pain in the arse though, I really need to do food shopping but I can't be bothered, so I'm having to eat unusual meals, which are making my calorie intake go way up. Such a pain having to be extra extra careful when all I want to do is stuff my face.

Haven't done any proper exercise in dayyyys either, but my legs are still fucking killing from a 14 hour bar shift I did on Sunday. Bloody bank holidays.

Anyway, thats the extent of my current failures, shall see how the next few days go I guess.

Love and light thoughts

Days Two and Three

So yesterday I had a bit of a 'mare.
My FIVE alarms decided they didn't want to go off, and I consequently missed my (kind of important) exam. I mean, its okay, not like I want to pass uni or anything.
What a fucking disaster.

Its kind of sorted now, but in short yesterday was a bit manic. And because of that, I forgot to take my Pill, which means I've come on a week early. Which means all I want to do is shove chocolate in my face constantly. Which isn't allowed. God dammit.

Despite my housemate feeling sorry for me and offering to run down to shops to get my chocolate/cake/a Subway, I managed to say no (although I did have a mini Calippo which was 75 calories). My overall calorie intake for the day was approx 1200 which is acceptable I think. Today so far, I'm at just under 800, though I may end up snacking some more later. Don't really have much to snack on though tbh, so it'd have to be like a little salad or something, which is good I guess.

I figured these few days would be the worst craving-wise, seeing as how it's not been long enough for my body to realise it doesn't need that much sugar or whatever.

The next few days probably won't be so good though, I'm going to my friends for tea tomorrow and he's a boy and an absolute stick, so obviously he doesn't understand anything about calories or fats or sugars. I think it's going to push him enough to feed me without including meat.
Then I'll be at my sisters and, along with the rest of family, she freaks if she thinks I'm not eating a ridiculous amount.
But I shall do my best and see how it goes.

Love and light thoughts

Day One

Today is Day One

The beginning.

I was in way too much of a rush to weigh myself this morning (and my housemate gave me a load of shit to eat last night because she knew I was starting this today) so I'm not going to weigh for a little while now.

My last known weight was 129 lbs.

Next Monday I will weigh again.

So far, no cravings for chocolate or anything sweet. Good start I think. Had just under 900 cals so far today, might have a little snack later but I'm actually super full because I'm trying to drink like 2l of water a day, so I literally cannot fit food in :)

My ex started texting me today. I really like talking to him, but it just makes me so confused. Everythings so natural with him. I guess that makes sense, we were together for 2 years. He knows that every now and then when things get shitty I stop eating. Not that thats happened for a while, these days being upset just makes me eat half the world. Totally sucks.
I'm so confused about talking to him again though. I really don't know where my heads at. Like I've been sleeping with this guy J, nothing emotional, just casual sex and conversation, but since the last time we slept together he's gone silent on me. What the hell is that all about?
And then there's still M from home who I do still like, but haven't been allowing myself to think about.
So what the hell do I feel for my ex still?

I'm almost glad I have my exams to distract me.
Can't wait to run away to Cambodia for a month. Only 45 days to go.
In the more immediate future, I'm so excited to see my sister Thursday. I know I'm going to end up eating about a million calories, but it'll be worth it to see her, especially since I get to combine it with going to see my best mate :)


But before any of that, my 9am exam tomorrow beckons.

Love and light thoughts darlings

"I know right now you think there is no reason,
But you'll see, please trust me,
nothing in life is easy."
Paloma Faith, Beauty of the End

21 Days

So how much difference can 21 days make in life?

Apparently its long enough for me to get immunised against Rabies and Hepatitas B.
I get my first dose on Monday, 10.30.

Monday will also be the start of my new 21 day eating plan.
I follow this thing on twitter, HealthyTips or something its called, and it posted this thing saying that for 21 days, eat no sweets, no white bread, no fast food, no chocolate, no cake, no pastry etc etc, and see how much difference it can make.
So from Monday it will begin (there will be a few little lapses I already know, as I'm going to London with my sister for a night and so on) but otherwise, I will stick to it.
I'm currently torn between weighing only on the days I have my jabs (so the 7th and 21st day) or not weighing until the very end. I will probably wait and see how I feel.

So, the plan is, I'm going to weigh Monday morning before my jabs (and before I eat obviously) and I will post it here, and hopefully by the time the 21 days are up (the 10th of June) I will be a lot lighter!

Fingers crossed eh?

Love and light thoughts?

But I've Got High Hopes

So, here is the promised proper post.

Apologies again for my too-long absence, coming back to uni and starting exams seems to have thrown me a bit.
My weight is (too) slowly creeping back down now that I'm back in charge of my own food, but I've been eating way too much. Think my current weight is about 129lbs, which isn't wonderful, but isn't horrific either.
The past few days have been quite unusual in the sense that I've actually been feeling quite positive about how I look. My stomach often looks almost flat even.
I think the random heatwave helped, when its hot all I want is salad and ice lollies, rather than chocolate and heavy meals.

Life seems to be so weird these days. This guy J that I had a kind of thing with last year started talking to me again all the time (which I may have already mentioned?), but its got to the stage now where if we don't talk every day its unusual. Then after my friends birthday party on Thursday we slept together for the first time in a year or so. And it was surprisingly good. When he first kissed me I was surprised by just how strong my reaction was. Like I wasn't expecting to like it quite so much.
I mean, I like M from home right?

My head is so confused. Last year I really really liked J and he messed me about a bit, then I figured I was over him, but I'm worried I'm in danger of liking him again.

For now I'm just going to try and keep it super-casual. I mean its only a month til we go home for summer, and then we'll be a full hour apart, and I'm away for a month in Cambodia and its just not plausible. I cannot be doing with a boyfriend right now anyway, so I'm just not even going to think of it as an option, not with J, not with M, not with any other super-hot guy who happens to come my way.

Its slightly bizarre actually that they are the two guys I kind of like, I mean you could not get more different if you tried. One is mixed race complete with afro, one is a lanky ginger. Though they're both pretty damn tall. I have to go on tippy-toes to kiss either. 

Ack, my head is so fucked.

Beautiful Bruises

Okay so i have been a terrible blogger. I am truly sorry, and will do a proper post asap.

This is just a quickie about something that has been on ny mind today.

Bruises are so beautiful when you think about it. The way they blossom under the skin, almost like a flower, with such a variety of colour. A physical mark of pain felt, a real sign that your body is alive and can feel emotion. 

Admittedly the trigger for this was not a painful experience, but if i say the bruises are on ny inner thighs i figure you will understand.

There is nothing quite like a bruise to really make you aware of your own body and what it is capable of.

Anyway, as I said, I promise i shall do a realy post soon, but for now, goodnight my lovelies.

Post-Easter Holiday Weigh-In

So I've not posted in a while.

I'm back at uni which means back to exams and back to my scales.

I gained so badly in the month I didn't have them.

My intial weigh-in was 137 which is more than I have weighed in a long LONG time.
But then I weighed again the next morning and had dropped to 130 which I've maintained for the last few days.

And I'm due on my period tomorrow, so that might have something to do with it too.

But still, I am F A T.

Its sunny weather here atm, clearly a reminder that I need to be T H I N in time for summer.

Need to restrictttt.


I also really badly sunburnt my arms today, look like I dipped my arms into scalding water for a while.


Fuuuuck.