Thursday, 27 December 2012

Christmas Organisation

I am unorganised as shit.


Been a bit of a beastie of christmas, so I have decided that once and for all I need to get my life (and weight) under control. Although saying that, I've managed to drop a dress size in a few things recently, and had to send some clothes back cos they're too big :) Happy days! Won't carry on though if I carry on eating like such a piglet!

New Years Resolutions shall be:
  • Eat under 1200 calories per day
  • Post a short and sweet tracking blog every day or so (no more of this silence for weeks then massive ramble-y posts out of the blue.)

Also, I got a pgymy hedgehog for christmas, she is called Alaska and she is beautiful.

Motivational quotes of the day:
  • "I didn't say it would be easy. I said it would be worth it."
  • "Never forget why you're doing this"
  • "You will never regret a workout"
 Think thin bitches.

Saturday, 8 December 2012



Sorry for taking a while to write, my sisters been staying with me and she's a bit funny about me counting calories, I've barely been able to keep track of them properly. I've eaten so much crap the last few days, yesterday was by far the worst. We'd been out drinking the night before, so we were both hanging, ended up having a Subway, and I just couldn't resist the mayo and a bag of Dorito's. Then just to make it a billion times worse, my mum came down too and bought a chinese! All that fried rice and chips and spring rolls, but I couldn't say I didn't want any of it cos my mum and sis would have kicked up a fuss D: Then this morning my mum made me scrambled egg, with about ten times more butter than I use :/ I weighed myself on my sisters scales and I've gone up to 130 again :( I don't know if its from all that crap (likely) or that my scales are out of sync and have been telling me I weigh less than I actually do. Either way, feeling like a whale.

Having tea with my sister again tonight so it'll no doubt be something carb heavy, not my usual light teas which focus on veg. And we're having an early christmas dinner at uni tomorrow night, the girl who ordered the food has ordered FOUR desserts! There's only bloody six of us! I'm going to have to try and just take loads of veg and skip the potatoes and crap as much as possible without attracting too much attention. Its upsetting, they go on and on about trying to lose weight, and spend all this money on weightwatchers and slimfast and i'm just like STOP EATING SO MUCH. Ack. Christmas is going to be a nightmare. I can't eat without feeling super guilty. Going to have to try and only eat veg this whole week til I get home for christmas, because I know my mum is going to just pile food on me, and if I complain even a little tiny bit, I get all these disapproving looks like "why haven't you finished your food, your such a whale we know you can fit it all in."

I'm never going to be skinny if people keep doing this to me, and I keep doing this to myself.
Give me strength.

Monday, 3 December 2012

Small Victories


Feeling pretty perky today (been doing some major essay work and may have actually made a dint in it).
Super jealous of my friend getting food poisioning though, thats like a guarantee no calories for at least two days. But I'm never ill, so hey ho.

I've not done too bad on calorie consumption today though, my calorie tracker says my total for today was just short of 500. Admittedly thats not including the Vitamin Water I had for lunch which is something ridiculous like 100 calories, but I needed an energy boost (plus that have like a billion vitamins in). I've figured out the best way to ration my calories so no-one really twigs - if I don't eat AT ALL until tea-time-ish and say I got lunch earlier, or on campus or something, then have a light tea which is basically just veg, then it keeps it down which makes me happy.

My scales told me I was 125 lbs today, which I know is still quite hefty, but it's the lowest I've been in absolute years. I'm not gonna get too excited about it though, cos there's a strong chance in the morning it will have gone back up a bit :( but still, small victory for now!

Hmm. Nothing else to say really.
Had a super awkward meeting with one of my lecturers today where I had to choose an essay question and she was trying to pry without being too obvious. Irritated me a bit because I really like her. I think she's my real-life thinspo, she's about my height, but super-slim. Rather jealous.

Oh and I watched a show on BBC3 about a beauty pageant for fat people, such good reverse thinspo! Seeing all these women jiggle around in bikini's. Was kind of disgusting but a good motivator :) Bit awkward though, one of my housemates is a 'larger lady' and I kept making comments without thinkiing about the fact that she was sat right there. Oopsie. She's on Weightwatchers, so she's not completely oblivious, but STILL. And she doesn't stick to it anyways, she'c constantly making food, and not healthy stuff like salads either, its all pastry and great whacking slabs of bread and butter.

And one of my other housemates who's a bit tubby came in all upset over some drama with this knob-head guy she likes, and kept saying to us all "I've not ate since breakfast" and "I don't even want tea" (yeah, like thats a big deal babe) and then I went into the kitchen and found her eating this dirty great chocolate muffin which apparantly "doesn't count as food". What an idiot. And then about an hour later she had the biggest tea in the world, a load of chips and these two whopping chicken breasts in bacon. Kind of made me glad in a way though cos the stink of the chicken (I'm a veggie in case I haven't mentioned yet!) plus this horrid sound she makes where she smacks her lips together as she eats totally put me off my baked sweet potato, so I had an excuse not to finish it :)

Adios, Amigos

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Sunday Reflections

My boyfriend was up this weekend which was nice.

Makes life a bit more difficult though seeing as I always seem to end up eating shit when he's around :S I would normally try to not eat much before he got here, but my housemates are getting a bit tetchy about my whole calorie counting thing, meaning that they're constantly pushing food on me :/ so basically, Saturday, I ate the amount a baby elephant would. Even though I chose a low-cal meal when we went out for tea, he made me have a great dirty dessert, which (even though I only ate half) was still about a billion calories :( Then we went out to the union and I was drinking wine and Southern Comfort all night, also hugely calorific. And then when we got in everyone was eating and I was drunk and decided it was a good idea to have snacks and UGH.
Slightly redeemed myself today though. We didn't actually get up til late, so only had one meal, which I made and dished up so I could keep the calorie count down. According to my calorie counter ( I've had 451 calories today. I know for some people thats loads, but it's not bad for me. Have a horrible feeling I'm going to want to snack later though (I always do late on) but I've got some baby gem lettuce or sweetcorn I might have in mind.

Made me so happy on Saturday night though, I put on a dress I haven't worn in forever and it was loose at the back! Like not massively, but definitely a lot looser than it used to be :) Plus all the dancing while we were out can only have been beneficial.

Anyways I SERIOUSLY need to go write an essay before I totally fail uni,

So have a good evening and I'll write to you soon :)

Friday, 30 November 2012

Secrets In The Dark

I think this is about the 5th blog I've attempted to start. I just can't see them through (like so much else in my life). I've been reading some really good blogs lately though, I hope they keep me at it. It's so therapeutic, considering how much I don't tell people. Theres such a lot I just need to get out of my head!

I don't really know where to start. Erm, background info would probably be useful.

I'm 19, second year university, have a boyfriend of 3 months (we were together for 8, then apart for 8, and now back, but thats a long story), live in a house of six girls and have somewhat anorexic tendancies (but more on that later).

At this particular moment in time I am procrastinating on starting my three essays which are due in two weeks time by writing this blog, shopping for christmas presents and looking for a cage for my baby hedgehog I'm getting for christmas.

I don't know what else to tell you before I dive into all the heavy stuff so I may as well get on with it I guess.

When I am single, I am something of a slut, it's a running joke among my friends about how "experienced" I am. I didn't really mind, but it did mean that when two guys came back with me and my friend H after a night out one time, (bearing in mind I was completely out of it, and hadn't actually spoken to the guy she was getting with's mate) and he followed me back into my room, she never thought that I didn't know he was following me. I had gone into my room to use the bathroom (en-suite, I'm not a tramp) and when I came out he was in there. I don't remember much, through a combination of the alcohol and repression I think, but I do remember him grabbing me, pushing me down on the bed and ignoring me telling him to get off me (even when I drew blood from scratching him). I remember crying. In the morning I was alone. I tried to tell a couple of the girls I lived with, but everyone just figured it was another notch on my bedpost, nothing important. I didn't know if I'd been raped, and no-one believed me anyway so I never reported him. I told my best guy mate, J, and he told me to go the police. But he's never mentioned it since. I saw the guy (I can't think of him as 'my rapist') out one night, and I didn't even recognise his face - my friend H recognised the guy she'd slept with that night, and then later him. They came over, joking and laughing, even showing us the scratch marks I'd left on his chest. I felt so sick.

I pretty much thought I'd forced it into a little box in my head, but just before Halloween I went out and got absolutely trashed, ended up sat in a park with one of my housemates just crying and crying about it. In the morning everyone laughed, saying it was just me being a messy drunk yet again, nothing to worry about. I feel like it's not important. I don't know who to go to about it, I'm sure rape-helplines and whatnot have more serious cases to deal with, where people get properly attacked, and weren't drunk. They'd probably think what my friends do - that I just regretted sleeping with him in the morning. I told my boyfriend about it and he seemed to take it seriously, but we've only spoken about it twice. I told him not long after it happened (We weren't together at this point but I needed someone to talk to that I trusted) and he was so angry at him, but obviously couldn't do anything. Then we never spoke about it again until we got back together and I was staying at his one night. Ever noticed how its easier to tell secrets in the dark? He asked me about it and I told him everything I could remember. He didn't say much, but he was there. Since then, we've not mentioned it again. But I feel like its constantly a part of me. Gnawing away slowly inside, never quite forgotten. How much of a slut must I have been for none of my closest friends to believe that I'd said no? I sicken myself.

For some reason this had the opposite affect on me that it probably would on most people. Instead of never letting another guy touch me, I felt like the only thing that numbed the pain was to get off my face and let guys do whatever they wanted to me. Somehow it gave me some validation to be the one who got to pick who to let do that to me, I couldn't stop it from happening anyway, I could at least try and choose who could.

This ties into another of my issues - the only way I ever feel attractive is if guys hit on me on nights out. If no-one tries it on, then I automatically assume I look like shit. Even though I know my boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful (even when in my cat onesie, with no make-up and greasy hair, as I am now). I literally cannot feel pretty unless other people are saying it. Even then I don't believe them. I mean, I know I'm not like obese or anything, but i pick flaws everywhere in myself, fat thighs, huge stomach, flabby arms, bad teeth, lank hair, spots, big hands and feet. The only body part I actually like is my nails. I have long, strong nails. But even they have to have polish on, otherwise I don't like them. I make myself feel better by meticulously monitoring what I put into my body. I failed miserably today and ate a huge chinese, meaning that now I feel so fat its unreal. And I'm seeing my boyfriend and going out tomorrow night so I'm meant to look good :/ It worries me. I'm so pathetic I can't even be anorexic properly. And I can't purge - literally cannot make myself sick ever.
The only times I ever feel good about myself are when I get hit on (last wednesday at the union was a good night - three guys had a go), when I successfully eat small amounts and when my boyfriend tells me I'm good in bed. They are literally the only things that give me self-worth.

I think thats quite enough of an introduction for now. I'm gonna sign off here, sorry for the major ramble, this wasn't meant to be quite so morbid.

Goodnight World.