Monday, 22 April 2013

Shopping Trips and Tipped Drinks

I fucking hate clothes shop sizing.
I mean don't get me wrong, I LOVE shopping. But the sizing is just a pile of crap.

I bought two items of clothes in a size 8 today (even though I'm major bloated atm cos I've been eating so much shit), yet I tried on a pair of trousers in Topshop and they were wayyy snug. So upsetting. I have been feeling super-big lately though. I must way so so much right now, but I haven't been able to weigh in ages :/ Don't think I could cope with it anyway.

I'm going out on saturday and I bought a cute new outfit to wear today, so I'm going to be extra good til then and hopefully I won't look like a whale. Eek.

Meeting up with my ex on wednesday eve. I saw him out last saturday night, and one of his friends threw a drink over me "by accident".

Yeah right. What a dick.

So anyway, he said a load of shit about how he still loves me and thinks about me all the time, blah blah blah. It just makes me angry, because not only did he break up with me but we've been through this all before, and we got back together, and it didn't work. I'm not stupid enough to go back a 3rd time.

I mean obviously I still have feelings for him, but I don't know, its just not right anymore, know what I mean?
Its hard to articulate...

Love and light thoughts darlings

Thursday, 18 April 2013


I went to see my grandma today. She's got Alzeimhiers (which I really cannot spell) and dementia. One lucky lady.
It was nice to spend some time with her, she told me all these cute little stories from back when she was young and lived in Ireland, then when she moved to England and started seeing my grandad.
I'm trying to make the most of these moments while I can, who knows how much longer it'll be before she doesn't remember them. I was thinking about writing down her stories, kind of The Notebook style, so when she's properly losing it, we'll still have my little book of stories.
I go back to uni next week, so I'll go see her once more, then I'll be 200 miles away, but I'm going to try and remember to call her, I know it means a lot to her.
Doesn't half make me scared of getting old though. Is Alzeimhiers genetic?

In other news, not much going on really. Haven't been able to weigh in a while, but my eatings not been great and I still don't fit back in my size 6 dress. Depressing much.
Working all day tomorrow so I should burn off a fair few calories there, but my mums said we're getting a chinese on saturday in honour of my sister being home for the weekend which is lovely, but just so fatty! Will have to make sure I do one of my exercise dvds to try and counteract it at least a little, since I'm going out drinking afterwards as well. Joyous.

Anyways, I probably won't be able to update tomorrow, but until next time,
Love and light thoughts

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Going Back To The Start

I found this yesterday which I quiet liked

So I was thinking last night, trying to work backwards to where the beginning of my problems with food began. It wasn't something that was with me since childhood, I ate like an absolute monster when I was a child, because I was one of those kids that eat a ridculous amount, yet somehow are still super skinny. Shame that doesn't happen anymore!
I think my friend G might be partially to blame. We were best best friends as kids, and she was always on the chubby side. By the time we got to high school she was very aware of her weight, and was always telling me about ways to be healthy, slimming world, weightwatchers, drinking water when your hungry and so on and so on.
When we used to go out shopping she'd tell me to buy clothes a size or two too big, so they weren't too tight, and I think over the years it made a message sink on: You need to lose weight.
I've never been bigger than a size 10, but looking back at photos and the way size 10s fit me now, I think there was a time when I should have been in a 12 but I just kept wearing the smaller size anyway.

Now I'm not saying all of my issues with food are because of G, I know a lot of it must have been deep-seated in me to begin with, but I can't help but think she is somehow involved.

On a side note, she's really slim now. I was going to put up a photo to compare us, but I can't find any that include our bodies, only up to shoulder height or whatever. Last time we spoke she said she weighed about 132 or so, which is actually half a stone more than me, but I'm not so sure. She definitely looks thinner, and we're pretty much the exact same height, so who knows.


Love and light thoughts

Monday, 15 April 2013


In a good mood today, its been sunny and warm enough to have windows open :) and I feel like I've been productive.
Haven't in actual fact, but I've made a list of things that I need to do before I go back to uni in just under two weeks, I emptied the dishwasher and did an aerobics workout.
Considering I've been up just over 3 hours, its not so bad.

Plan to do a little revision later, or maybe just make a list of things to revise. I know lists seem like they are just another way to procrastinate, but I work off lists quite well.

Foodwise, it's been an iffy couple of days. Saturday was pretty good because I was working literally all day and burned off loads of calories, without really having the chance to eat. I also turned down a maccies which is a good sign. (and the people I was working for offered me more work which is always handy! Plus two of the guys I was working with were HOT. Could definitely handle working with them again!)
Yesterday, not so good, was so tired from not getting in from work til 6am that I just crashed all day, my mum said I was sort of jetlagged, but I just felt hungover all day, and when I'm hungover I just eat and eat and eat.
But today I'm feeling good again, I had some leftover vegetable pasta bake for lunch and haven't had anything else yet, though mum is making shepherds pie for tea and she does... generous helpings.

Feeling really postive about getting some weight off before summer :)

Still have my pathetic little crush on inappropriate guy. So irritating as this guy I really fancied last year has started talking to me on fb all the time again, and it would be much more convenient for me to like him, but no, my heart has to be awkward. Feel like I need to put it on lockdown for a while.

Also rather irritatingly I think I'm having an allergic reaction to my Pill. I have never been allergic to anything in my life, so this is really really annoying. Will have to talk to the doc about it when I go back to get more, maybe they can change me to a different one or something.

Love and light thoughts!

Friday, 12 April 2013

Getting Back On Track

So, I finally weighed myself again today. Fully dressed I came in at 127lbs.
Its not great, but it wasn't as bad as I expected either, so it evens out I guess.

I'm not exactly distraught, but it has given me the kick up the backside I needed to start tracking my calories again, which means once again I'm back myfitnesspal.
I didn't realise just how much it helped me to control my eating. Obviously it's still not going to be ideal since I'm still at home and not in charge of cooking/shopping so its difficult to eat low-cal sometimes, but I can definitely do better than I have been doing.

My aim is to hopefully get back down to under 9 stone before I go back to uni. I know that two weeks is a long time to lose what is basically like 2lbs, but I've been so horrendously awful recently that I think its a reasonable target. We shall see I guess.

Love and light thoughts

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

good days

So, i went out last night for my friends birthday and it was such good fun. i even had some chips at the end of the night without ending up crying, which hasnc't happened in a while. so thats an improvement.
ic've eaten a little too much today due to hangover, but its not been as bad as it could have been. ic'm feeling good on the whole. 
though i still havenc't weighed in like a week. maybe tomorrow.

anyway, ic'm on my phone and it makes me slow typing, so thats all for today folksa!

love and light thoughts

Monday, 8 April 2013

Moment of Clarity

So I'm sitting here just casually watching Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (a guilty pleasure), contemplating another piece of chocolate when I realise...

Just because I've eaten badly so far today, doesn't give me a reason to continue eating badly.
Just because I've already had some shortbread and chocolate does not mean I should carry on.

If I keep waiting for tomorrow to start being healthy, then I never will.

One little lapse, should not give me 'permission' to have a bad day.
I am gaining and this is why.

Its all so clear now.

From now, not tomorrow, I will start losing again.
From right this second now.

Saturday, 6 April 2013

What Is Eaten In Private Is Worn In Public

So, I know I've been hugely over-eating lately. Like to the point of ridiculousness.
But this morning it really hit me.
I went to put on the size 6 dress I got a few weeks back, which is a little snug anyway but comfortable enough, and it literally would not do up.

I wanted to cry.

Today was still a shitty day for food, but I think it was because I'd already eaten badly before I realised just how much I must have gained, and I'm never good at stopping once I've started.

I refused to weigh today, which means my last known weight is still 125, though it's likely to be up on that. I'm hoping a lot of this is just period bloat, which will hopefully go soon :/

I'm going out on Tuesday night, so fingers crossed I can sort it out a bit by then, just going to try and be extra good, focussing on the fact that I'm going out and want to look good, not like a beached whale.

Don't remember if I mentioned I went out on Thursday night? Don't think I've blogged since then, so I'll do a quick fill-in.
After stressing because I looked super-fat but couldn't change as I'd forgotten to take extra clothes to change into (so stuck with high-waisted shorts and a crop top with my belly all over the place), the night was going reasonably well until I saw my ex's friend out. And he said that my ex had been "talking shit" about me. Definitely put a downer on the night.
So of course I text my ex who was just so... off with me. I know that doesn't sound so weird, but even since we broke up, he still talks to me totally fine, like never funny or anything. So, it was strange. I don't even know what to think.

Not helping that I have a schoolgirl crush on the most inappropriate person ever atm as well. Really really hoping thats going to pass asap, its making my life super awkward.

What the fuck even is my life.

Love and light thoughts

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

New and Old Thinspo

Not a real post, nothing good has happened since I last posted, so just a little bit of thinspo, my new and old, Audrey Hepburn and Rooney Mara.

Oh, and I've decided (after a brief depressed spell), that in order to make up for the failure that is my excuse of a life, I am without doubt going to dedicate my life to making other peoples better.

Anyway, enjoy.