Friday 30 August 2013

Lacking

I am so listless. Its so hard to get excited by anything.
Its my birthday tomorrow, and normally I'm super excited for ages beforehand, and this year... I just can't wait for it to be over.
I'm just numb.
I feel nothing, yet I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I don't understand.
All the things that usually cheer me up aren't working. I just want to feel normal again.
Everything I do seems really forced.
I have to force myself to smile, to enjoy myself. It used to come so naturally.

I think I lost a part of me this summer.

Tuesday 27 August 2013

Gone

So I'm a terrible blogger.
I'll add it to my list of other bad things I've done recently.

I want to be back in Asia where no-one knows me and I can just melt away and disappear.
After uni I might try and get a job out there.

Anyway.
Sorry for my absence.
I've put on every single bit of weight I lost, weighed in this morning at 9st6lbs, or 132lbs. Thats pretty much where I was when I first wanted to lose weight.
Half my clothes don't fit me anymore.
The guy I like isn't interested.
His best friend is.
My ex is awful when I see him on nights out.
I slept with someone I shouldn't have.
Now one of my closest friends isn't talking to me.
I have so much to sort out that I'm burying my head in the sand.

I need to get away from everything.
I need to not be me for a while.
I would almost consider hurting myself.
But I can't cope with the pain.
Maybe if I get so so skinny people will stop making me do things.

Ironic really that this never started as a need for help.
It started because I'm fat.
And yet now, I'm still fat, and I need help.
Funny really.


Oh and it's my birthday this Saturday. 20 years old and a major fuck-up already.