Good Days

So there are good days and bad days for everyone I guess.

Today has most definitely been a 'good day'.

I managed to wear the size 6 dress all day without discomfort

My calorie intake has been minimal. Less than 500 according to my calorie counter.

I have found my new saviour. They are Ryvita Cracker Bread's. I think technically you're meant to top them with like soft cheese or something, but I actually quite like them by themselves. I had one for breakfast, then two for lunch with a stick of celery. And they're only 19 cals!

Then tea was admittedly pasta (with butternut squash and courgette and a whole heap of mayo [but the lighter than light one]). I had a regular serving but I was so so stuffed afterwards! I'm hoping this means I'm actually shrinking my stomach a little bit. Fingers crossed eh?

I'm craving pizza a little, but no chocolate cravings which I've been terrible for recently!

I did an exercise dvd this morning too, Jillian Micheals one, it was so so hard! But high impact, so lots of calories burnt there I hope.

Weight was 122 which is wonderfully low for me. That was before I'd eaten anything at all though, so doubt I'll maintain that just yet though, but still its a good sign.


I might have a snack later, maybe a little cous cous or something, nothing too heavy.


This has been a terribly boring post. I do apologise. I'm in essay-writing mode, so everything I say at the moment is very much boring!

Kiwi's and calories

So I am like majorly freaking out atm.

The Kiwi wants to see me tomorrow. Like he's willing to spend £50 on a train to ticket to come spend the day with me.

I want to see him but I am like full on tubs right now. My bad weekend has caught up with me and I am back at 126 when I just weighed. Fuuuuuck. And I have like a gabillion spots. And its going to be daylight, and I'm going to look rank and he's going to massively regret spending that money.

Fuck fuck fuck.


Plus side: today has been somewhat back on track in regards to my eating.

Breakfast: 1 wholemeal bagel (spread out from 8.30 til 12) = 223 cal
Lunch: Butternut squash and feta salad = 255 cal
Tea: homemade tomato, veg and orzo soup = 234 cal
Snacks: 2 cadbury caramel eggs, small tin of sweetcorn = 450 cal

Daily total = 1,162 cal

Could have been under 1000 if not for the chocolate eggs, but even so I'm quite happy with that.
Hopefully tomorrow will be along the same lines, but I'm not convinced it will be tbh.
Lets see what happens with the Kiwi I guess.

Weekend Summary

So, back from yet another weekend of binge eating. I'm an absolute disaster.

Tbf, it wasn't entirely my fault. Nah thats a load of shit, its totally my own fault.

I stayed at my friends  and actually did really well with the pub, told him I had eaten lunch really late and then just had a baby portion of chips to stop myself from getting too drunk. It worked out quite well, I sat nibbling on chips and wasn't actually jealous of them all with burgers and giant plates of pub food (although I did crave some mushy peas!).

That night out was just a big ol' mess though. I literally don't even know where to start talking about it.
In a nutshell, the main events were:

• I got chatted up by a very hot rugby player from New Zealand who is in the area working for the year
• One of my friends friend pulled me over to one side and told me that my talking to said hot guy was upsetting my friend. When I asked why, I was told apparently he likes me. We had this problem back in college and I thought it was sorted like forever ago, but now I don't know what to think.
• My friend got very drunk and upset about something else entirely and repeatedly left me alone in the club to the point where I got very angry and shouted at him.
• We ended up leaving early, and I had to comfort him until he basically fell asleep.

In the morning we were back to our usual selves, admittedly with a sheepish apology on his behalf. I literally don't know what to think about what his friend told me. Confusing much.
And my housemate that I would normally talk to about all this stuff is ignoring me, so I don't know what to do at all. Ackkk.

But back to food and shit. So the morning after, we went to a cafe and I was absolutely ravenous so ended up getting a veggie fry-up - not exactly diet food. Then I went out for tea with my sister to TGIFridays and had mozzarella sticks and a veggie burger and fries. I literally could not bear to work out the calories. I looked up the mozzarella sticks and they alone are like 770 cals. D:
So mortifiying. I'm ashamed of having eaten and enjoyed them.

The next day was better, though marginally. I counted calories again and made it about 1600 or so. Not great by any means, but considering we had pizza and garlic bread, plus chocolate pudding, I don't feel too bad about it.


Anyways this has all got a bit rambly. What I actually intended to write about was that I just got two new exercise DVDs through the post, going to try out one tonight I think, I'm quite excited for it! I got 'Clubland: Work It Out' which I think is like dance-y stuff, then 'Jillian Micheals: Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism' which says you can loose up to 5 pounds a week from it. I somehow doubt that, but we shall see I guess!

Need to get my fat ass to work getting skinny if I'm going to see that NZ guy again (my friend has taken to calling him Kiwi so I might just use that) although he did say he thinks I've got a good figure. But it was dark and he was probably drunk, so his judgement was most likely skewed. Or alternatively, all NZ girls are chubbers. But that seems highly unlikely.


I'm sorry this has become some majorly long post, it wasn't meant to be haha.

Byeeee

Binging and Tight Pants

Nothing really to report on today tbh.

Was amazing through til just after tea, was super low-cal for me, just over 600 cal, then I stupidly stupidly went to the shop and bought a load of chocolate. ARGH.

Why do I do this to myself?? Such an idiot.

For a chocolate binge it could have been a lot lot worse.
4 rows (20 squares) of Galaxy chocolate (because clearly buying the big bar seemed like a GREAT idea at the time) = 420 cal
4 maryland double chocolate chip cookies = 216 cal.

So 636.

I know thats really really bad considering I'm meant to be restricting, but all in all, it could have been a lot, lot worse.

Might leave weighing myself til tomorrow.

Least the pre-period bloat has gone, which is bizarre really considering I've not actually come on yet. Not complaining though.

I'm going to a party at my friends house on friday for his housemates birthday, and I'm kind of nervous. I've bought these new disco pants to wear which are super super tight and they look quite good as long as I'm not bloated, but I'm really worried that I'm going to randomly be having a fat day (or that we end up going the pub for tea and I give in and order something humungous).
I might just allow myself to have a decent sized lunch so that I can reasonably just tell my friend that I'm not that hungry and only have a childs meal or a salad or something (he's a boy, he won't think about it too much!)
But will I actually have a small meal or will I just end up eating ten tonne of shit?? Eek. Need to get my self-restraint under control. I'm sure it'll be okay. I'll just have to bear in mind that I'm wearing tight pants and a crop top in front of a lot of people that I don't really know, lots of them kind of hot guys.
There is a small part of me going DON'T DO IT, JUST WEAR A FAILSAFE! But I shan't give in!

N.B. my "failsafe's" are dresses/outfits that even when I'm having a fat day and think I look shit in absolutely everything, I logically know that I normally feel quite good in so generally shouldn't feel fat in.


Ack ack ack.

Love and light thoughts!! <3

Nightmares

Its a little soon for another post, but I had such a horrible nightmare last night.

I dreamt I was being raped again, though not by the same guy. But this time my sister new what was happening, she was just too scared to do anything. I managed to tell my male friend that I told when it really happened, and he rounded people up to come help. The rapist in the dream was holding my face to his, about to leave, pretending to my sister that we were in love or something, then all these people came crashing through the door. They grabbed him and I was taken away somewhere safer.
Afterwards everyone stayed round me, asking me if I was okay, even guys I barely recognised. But I could tell something was different. The way they looked at me, I wasn't me anymore, I was 'the victim'.

I think thats why I was too scared to tell many people when it actually happened. I couldn't bare to be the victim to everyone. If I don't tell anyone, then everyone thinks I'm still me, still strong, dependable. Maybe thats why I find it so hard to tell everyone why I'm struggling so much at uni.

I'm so pathetic.


On the plus side, weight is back down this morning to 124. Not sure how long that will last, I've not actually eaten yet. Just going to have some fruit and greek yoghurt for lunch and see how it goes while I try and shake off this nightmare.

Possibly Having A Mental Breakdown

So I think I may officially be going crazy.

I am stressed beyond belief and I want to drop out of uni altogether.

I am simply not coping.


I've gained after this horrible weekend of eating. 126. I am back over 9 stone. I shall be restricting like a bitch. That is the only form of control I have left in my life.

I have to meet with my personal tutor soon. I don't know what to tell her. How do you explain in the middle of an office that your life has gone down the shitter and you want to curl up and never face the world again?

I almost want to ask for a counsellor, but I don't know what I'd tell them. According to doctors and BMI and all that shit, I am perfectly healthy. On the outside there is nothing wrong with me.

I am decaying inside. There is something wrong with my as an emotional human being.


All I want is for July to hurry up so I can escape to Cambodia for a month.

Maybe I'll become a cliche and find myself out there.





Maybe I'll never come back.

Pick Pick Pick

Literally cannot stop eating lately. Don't even know whats wrong with me but I'm just like constantly eating something.

Had such a nightmare the other day, went to a friends house (had already eaten a small tea) and started to get hungry while I was there. Normally at that stage I'd go get some fruit and fat-free greek yoghurt, but because I was out, and at a boys house of all places, the only thing I was offered was takeaway chips. And there were like a billion (okay four [one of whom I've slept with twice recently while horrendously drunk]) boys in the room so I didn't want to start whinging about calorie intake, but then I didn't want a rumble-y tummy either, so I ended up eating them D: very upsetting.

Ahhh grossness. I NEED to get this eating situation under control! But then another friend is coming to stay this weekend so it'll be all treaty fatty foods, like pizza and chocolates. And we're getting a Dominoes before we go out tomorrow. Cos THAT will make me look lovely and slim in the fitted dress I'm wearing. Such a nightmare, but I really can't afford to whine about weight atm, I think my friends are all starting to get arsey with me.

Particularly since after doing that quiz thing the other day everyone knows each others weights now.

And I nearly told one of my housemates she looked fat last while I was angry at her (in my defence she was being a total tool). But she's not really that fat. Like by our standards yes, but the rest of the world wouldn't think so. She's like  a size 10/12. Not that much bigger than me.

And I've not lost in forever. I need need need to get myself back on track.

FUCK.

I've already eaten so much today. 2 eggs, 2 quorn sausages, 2 pieces of seeded bread, handful of caramel nibbles, couple of grapes. Tea will be a stirfry.
So much for my hopes of restricting.

I can already feel it in my bones that this will be the week I go back over 125. But then again, I am due on next week, so maybe its only that. Hopefully it is, and after I'll go back to normal. EEK.

Sorry for rambling, I'll be back Monday.

Love and light thoughts <3