Bad Diets and Doctors

UGH had such a fat few days.

Was massively hanging yesterday, like worse than I've been in a long time. So obviously my natural reaction was to eat half the world.

I didn't actually log my calories, think it may have made me cry. But it was bad. Subway, Pizza Hut, Ben and Jerrys. Horrificness.

Then I was at work today and it was just a nightmare. My eating always gets screwed up on days I'm working, but today was just like D: Up til lunch I was okay, like more than usual cos I had to go to the docs (explain in a min) and then I had to eat a full meal to take this tablet they gave me, then I had snacks in work cos I couldn't eat til super late, so Pombears and Mini Eggs seemed the way forward :/ Then just to top it off, McDonalds on the way home! Eeeeek. Gonna stop myself from ruining another day by carrying on now though.
Tomorrow will be bad as well, I'm staying at my sisters, and she's said we'll get a take-away or something :/ wah wahhhh.

But yeah so the doctors. I'm not thin enough for it to worry me when I go, I'm not at risk or anything, and I really had to go for the morning after pill :/ I'm such a hoebag, we went out to cheer me up (from the whole breaking up with the most perfect boyfriend ever thing) and I ended up totally randomly seeing the guy from the union on wednesday! Such bizarreness.
Anyway, long story short, we ended up getting it on and I was stupid cos I was drunk and didn't make him use anything, and of course everyone knows guys don't give a shit, so I had to go get the morning after pill. And then eat a full meal to make it work properly. And cos I knew I was going into work and wouldn't get a proper meal for a while (and its more effective the sooner you take it) I had to have a proper full-size lunch, rather than just soup or something. Pain in the arse.

Anyway, the point of this story was that I had to get weighed while I was there so that I could go on the Pill, and I was SO nervous about getting on the scale with the nurse in the room - what if my scales had been wrong and I was more than I was expecting and I cried or something? - but it wasn't so bad. I came up as 56.3 kg fully clothed. I work in stones and pounds, so that works out as 124lbs, or 8 stone 12. Which is only a pound more than I come in at on my scales. So it was okay, specially after I ate so much yesterday, I wasn't expecting great things.

So scared I'm going to go back over 9 stone (126) again, all I've wanted for as long as I can remember is to be under 9 stone. Hopefully I will just get further and further away from it, in the right direction.

Love and light thoughts
<3

' "I wish I hadn't cried so much"...

...said Alice as she swam about, trying to find her way out. "I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears!" ' 



My eyes are stinging so badly.

Me and my boyfriend broke up. I don't even know what to do with myself. He's applying to move to Australia. He said I was the only thing holding him in England. I couldn't let that be the reason he'd resent me for the rest of our lives, especially when I'm such a horrible girlfriend.

I know every girl must say this after a break-up, but I seriously don't think I could ever get anyone better than him. Even all my housemates called him the perfect boyfriend.

My eatings spiralling like crazy, I'm constantly torn between wanting to eat everything in the world, and never wanting to eat again.

I want to be sick.

Whoring It Up

I am a terrible human being. I seriously don't know why my boyfriend puts up with me.

At the Student Union last night I kissed another guy. If I was single I would have been happy - he was totally hot - but I am not single. I am very happy with my boyfriend. Ugh. Messy mess mess. I don't even understand how it happened, I told him about my bf and everything, but then I had too many drinks, and I kissed him. That I cannot deny, it was me that kissed him first. Only intended to be short and sweet, but then he pulled me back in and I couldn't resist. He was a good kisser, tall, muscular, with a strong jaw and a cheeky chappy grin; even gave me his jacket when we got outside and it was snowing. Any other time I would have counted myself lucky, but I was racked with guilt.

Then my friend yelled at me, judging me, and I panicked and ran away by myself. Drunk and alone in the snowy early hours. I was a victim waiting to happen. I have a bright red hooded coat, its very distinctive and boys kept stopping and asking me if I was okay, telling me to come with them. Some were genuinely nice, some were awfully sleazy. They asked me where I lived, and for some reason I lied and said I didn't know. I cried. Then cheeky chappy found me again, said he was sorry he was the reason I wasn't with my friends, didn't even try and kiss me again. I called another (sober, male) friend and he came and picked me up, let me stay at his.

When I woke this morning I didn't know what to do. I spoke to my friends and eventually we decided, I had to tell him. I'd go crazy otherwise.

So I waited til he got home from work and called him. He was mad. More so then I'd ever known him to be. He said I didn't care about him, that he didn't trust me. I cried some more.

Eventually we talked it through a bit more, he said he still loved me, I said I was scared to hurt him again. We're still together. He's coming to see me at uni tomorrow, to stay the weekend. I'm a walking catastrophe.

All this mess for two moments of strong lips on mine, arms around my waist. I'm a whore. There is no other way to describe me. Yet for some reason my boyfriend still loves me.




By no stretch of the imagination do I deserve that boy.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaale

I really don't know why I do this to myself.

Been keeping my eating quite light for a while now, then today I decide to eat enough carbs to power an entire army.

Wholemeal Bagel plus sunflower spread - 258 cal
Houmous Sandwich on campus - 300 cal
Kitkat as a treat after an assessment - 234 cal
Stuffed Butternut Squash - 435 cal

Thats like a total of 1,227 cal. Oink Oink.

I feel so bloated its untrue.

And of course its tonight that I'm going on a night out, so I'll look shit, plus have all those millions of calories from alcohol. FUCK'S SAKE.

Such a disaster.

And I bought these beautiful new shorts to wear :/ What to do, what to do.



Wish I could purge.

Do Scales Lie?

I know everyone says the number on the scale doesn't lie, and for the most part I agree with this.

However.

My weight is much lower than I'm used to, and it's confusing me.
Last night I checked and was 124, then just now I was 123. I'm happy its going down, but I'm not sure whether its messing up, cos like two days ago I was 126 and had been bobbing around that number for a while, and I've been having like 1000 calories a day or something like that, not including the ridiculous amount of juice I drink. Its making me worried that it's about to shoot back up again and then I'll be sad.

I bought some new clothes though, all in a size 8 which is good, cos I'm usually a 10. One was this body top from primani which is meant to look like ribs and the skeleton. I like it, it reminds me of what I'm aiming for. (not to become a skeleton, but to cut through all the fat on top of it and leave just the barest minimum).
I am now kind of between sizes though, which is sort of irritating. I'm addicted to online shopping, and I've had to stop, cos I need to try everything on all the time now to make sure its the right size :S
Does mean theres less of a size gap between me and me super-skinny beautiful housemate (she varies from 6-10)
Much as I love her, she can be a pain in the ass to live with, literally all of our male friends refer to her as 'the fit one'. Sigh. She is gorgeous though, I guess it's not her fault.

Trying to get into vegan cooking more as well, to reduce the amount of cheese and stuff I eat, I bought a couple of vegan cookbooks, and ones really good. It's called Appetite For Reduction and its all vegan low-fat recipes, that includes calories, fat, vitamins and all that alongside the recipe so I don't need to work it out, unless I know I've had more/less than the recommended portion. The other ones not so great, The Asian Vegan Kitchen. The recipes sound good but its all so fatty! Like oil everywhere! Nightmare. May have to try and adjust them slightly!

Love and light thoughts
xx

Getting Back On Track

Hola,

Currently weighing in at a solid 126. Thats not too awful I guess. I'm nearly under 9 stone, which has been my aim in life for like ever.

Two of my friends have told me I've lost a lot of weight recently which makes me happy.

Nearly died when I was out last night though, some guy literally picked my up and started carrying me away across the club! Major panic, as if a guy is lifting me up in front of loads of people!! He seemed quite strong though and didn't comment on me being heavy or whatever which is good I guess.

One of my housemates got really pissy with me as well. She's a bit larger, and has been having a 'dry spell' which she decided to solve my texting this guy asking him to come over, even though we all know he's like in love with her and she's so not into it. Then she decided to yell at me for telling her off about it, because apparently I don't understand how lonely it is because I can get any guy that I want. Yeah right. Was pretty upset tbh.

But we've been fine today, so it's all good I guess.

Me and the BF have decided to go on holiday together this year for the first time, so of course major stress about bikini's! I'm hoping to be in the region of 112 by then, but more realistically likely to be aiming for 120. But then again, I do have like eight months to work on it. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Love and Light Thoughts.
xx

Damage Control

Ugh, hangovers are just the worst.

Drank (and ate) far too much last night.

Weighed myself this morning and I was 128 fully dressed, which is a bit more then I've been weighing in currently, but could be a lot worse.

I've worn my tightest jeans today as a reminder not to let myself gain anymore.