Old Memories

So I was just trawling through some old emails in search of a payslip, and I came across some of my old FutureMe letters. You know the ones where you write them and set a date sometime in the future and the website sends it to you?
I write myself one every New Year.
Anyone, I was rereading one from the beginning of 2011, and one of things I wrote to myself was "do things that would make Dad proud". I don't think I've done that at all.
Between sleeping around, not putting effort in at uni, falling out with so many friends, I don't think my dad would be proud at all. Which is quite sad really. Maybe I should try and do that. I wrote about trying to be honourable, and I think thats a good idea.
I also wrote about true friends being the ones who stick it out. One of the ones I listed, I'm no longer friends with. I guess that tells you something huh?
I feel like I'm in an ever dwindling circle of friends. There are very few people I feel close to anymore, and I'm not so trusting. Not necessarily a bad thing. I think I'm just going to try and lock emotions away into a little box in my head and heart.
It would be for the best. Means I don't get hurt, and no-one else does either. Means no emotional eating. Means more focus on my work.

I'm going to start saving as soon as I can. Save and save, so after uni I can run away.

I can run away and disappear.

More Messed-Up-Ness

My relationship with food at the moment is extra weird.
Like I never feel hungry. Ever.
I tend to eat around the time I think I should be hungry, but it's more out of habit than anything.
If I happen to miss the time I would normally eat, a few hours later I'll just come over feeling horrendously ill all of a sudden. At which point I'll eat a little something.
It's strange really.
And I used to drink loads and loads of Ribena (FULL of sugar), but since I came back from Asia, I struggle to drink it as much, it makes my teeth feel disgusting. So I'm drinking way more water.
May as well make the most of it though I guess.
My big fat-ass self could do with missing a few meals here and there.

I was looking at photos to print out yesterday for a photo-frame my mum got me, and I found some from back just before christmas. I was SO much skinnier. And I thought I looked huge then. I was at least half a stone lighter than I am right now. I go back to uni in three weeks. Thats when I'll start being able to restrict properly again. In the meantime, I'll just have to do what I can.

Unsure on current weight, last time I weighed was a few days ago when I was at 133. F A T T Y.

On a side note, this guy that I slept with the other day by some ill-judgement, took me out on a date night before last. I know that I really shouldn't like him. But I think that just makes me like him more. My friends would freak if they knew what I'm doing. Not sure how long I can play the balancing act.
He did make me laugh though, said he was worried about me getting too attached seeing as he's not looking for a relationship. I was just like PLEASE, I am the Queen of non-emotional sex. I move up and down the country every couple of weeks, you get pretty used to breaking of attachments before they really begin.
He snap-chatted me a picture of himself the yesterday, and it just really reminded me how good shape he's in. Like not an ounce of fat. Then you've got Mrs Blobby over here. He kept asking me why I was sort of pulling the cover over me when we slept together. Surely it was obvious that I was hiding all my flab???

Anyways I'm really fucking late, adios!

Lacking

I am so listless. Its so hard to get excited by anything.
Its my birthday tomorrow, and normally I'm super excited for ages beforehand, and this year... I just can't wait for it to be over.
I'm just numb.
I feel nothing, yet I'm constantly on the verge of tears. I don't understand.
All the things that usually cheer me up aren't working. I just want to feel normal again.
Everything I do seems really forced.
I have to force myself to smile, to enjoy myself. It used to come so naturally.

I think I lost a part of me this summer.

Gone

So I'm a terrible blogger.
I'll add it to my list of other bad things I've done recently.

I want to be back in Asia where no-one knows me and I can just melt away and disappear.
After uni I might try and get a job out there.

Anyway.
Sorry for my absence.
I've put on every single bit of weight I lost, weighed in this morning at 9st6lbs, or 132lbs. Thats pretty much where I was when I first wanted to lose weight.
Half my clothes don't fit me anymore.
The guy I like isn't interested.
His best friend is.
My ex is awful when I see him on nights out.
I slept with someone I shouldn't have.
Now one of my closest friends isn't talking to me.
I have so much to sort out that I'm burying my head in the sand.

I need to get away from everything.
I need to not be me for a while.
I would almost consider hurting myself.
But I can't cope with the pain.
Maybe if I get so so skinny people will stop making me do things.

Ironic really that this never started as a need for help.
It started because I'm fat.
And yet now, I'm still fat, and I need help.
Funny really.


Oh and it's my birthday this Saturday. 20 years old and a major fuck-up already.

The Last Day Before the First Day

I leave in less than 24 hours. I'll be on a plane then.
I'm so nervous it's making me feel seriously sick.
I just checked-in online and printed my boarding pass out.
Nearly cried saying goodbye to my best friend.
Freaking out is not the word.

I feel so unprepared.

Sudden Realisation

So I leave England in 38 hours. I'll be at the airport in 36. Holy shit.
I'm regretting the decision to go. I mean I'm excited and all, but I'm so fucking scared. This is like the fear of going to uni times a million. What made me think I could trot off to fucking ASIA by myself? I'm fucking retarded. Hyperventilating a little.

Jesus christ. What am I going to do out there? How the hell am I going to survive?
I mean, there is absolutely no question of me not going. That is simply not an option. I've paid a LOT, I've had the jabs, almost everything is ready to go.
I'm so so scared.

I'm going to miss home so freaking much. I can't even say a proper goodbye to my friends because they're in Barcalona.

Shit shit shit.

(Side note, I finally weighed this morning: fully clothed was 132lbs. not as bad as I feared. Plus I've been feeling pretty skinny which is bizarre. Go figure huh?)

One of Those Days

6 days and counting til Cambodia.

I'm mid-pack, mid-panic.

Part of me is completely terrified and convinced I've made a mistake. The other part of me cannot wait to be on another continent.

That Guy is moving to his uni town for the rest of summer, to be with his stupid girlfriend I imagine, though he says its for work. It sucks anyway. Bothers me way more than it should, which makes me nervous. I thought I was beginning to get over him. Fuckity fuck.

Oh and I'm quitting my job after this weekends work. Shit pay, shit hours, shit job.

Feel like I need a giant pause button for the world.

I almost wish I was leaving for longer, then I might actually tell That Guy that I like him, because I could run away without having to face the aftermath.

What the hell is wrong with me. He has a girlfriend, he is happy. I need to stop being such a pathetic whiney-arse and get my shit together.

FUCK.